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VII.XXX.XV

I didn't expect that time will come that I'll be having a conversation with a certain person and I can't explain my side because its too complicated. 

I do understand where he was coming from and I can't blame him for ranting in my face. Lets be honest that he said some things that send some bullets and arrows inside me. It was a moment of weakness and I tried to hold on to my tears but I can't. Thank you, sore eyes it was legal to cry for not looking like I cried but my eyes were just bloody red for a few days. It comes in handy, I guess.  

I said before but if you don't know then I'll tell it again, its hard to fight the battle if you are alone versus a million. If I reasoned out, they have this invisible your-argument-is-invalid at the moment I stopped talking and after they gave their reason.

I still don't get it sometimes that people seems to know everything when they talk but fuck you! Where were you when I was crying, staying awake, rushing, starving just to finish it? I'm not ranting about I don't like to do it anymore but I'm just saying and explaining myself. But yeah, I know you don't want to accept my explanation because you just think its just as easy as to changing clothes. Fyi, it wasn't. 

Later on, I'm already willing to get this out of my system because at some point I win some and I lose some.

People will always hear whatever rumors they will encounter and I don't think I will be able to defend my side when the word is out. 

No one will hear my side because they already manipulated the story. They will make me weak, useless, unwanted, etc. As far as I can't defend myself, I don't want to waste time for bragging every opposite things just to save my own self. What you see is what you get. Whatever you want to believe, its your choice. I'll back off because I'm not desperate to get attention from other people. I have my own reason why I do this and that.  

I wish you know how much I'm trying to fight and to protect you but I'm just alone, how can I fight equally? I wish you know how much it hurts when people try to use my mistakes to bring me down because they're fucking perfect. If only you know how to master ignoring people because I'm still not good at it. I wish you know how hard it is to be in my position. I wish you know how to handle close minded people. 

How I wish other people know the real life struggle that I face everyday. It wasn't easy but I'm trying my best to fight and to avoid being stuck on my little room of depression. That's why I need to get away for some days or to shut off for a while. I need some place to run around.  

I'm not totally asking you to understand but I'm saying that there is a behind story on everything. 

I was wrong when I thought that watchers are the best witness. Maybe they are but it also how they interpret what they are seeing. 

I didn't promise you anything but thank you for trusting me. 

I will be forever thankful to the people who keep an open mind. No matter what. 

I believe that there are reasons why people are trying to push/pull me down as well as stabbing me on the back. I'll just take whatever they want me to take but I will still fight. 

After today, my gut is saying "don't give up". I am who I am and you can never change that because that's me. I know the difference between being nice and being rude. I can't find the right words to say but my gut is telling me different now. 

On some days, I still don't know where I stand. See the confusion? Have you been this confused in your life? 

Pretty soon I'll be getting on my first plane

I'll see the veins of my city like they do in space