Last Hope

Sort of stuff are running on my mind lately. Sometimes its about loosing the self-esteem that I built for years in just a snap. People will compare anything to everything whenever they want and it does include you to other people. Its hard to convince myself that I should be proud of whatever I have right now or whatever my position in this earth, I do cry a little but then I think of situation that can make me feel good including reading my little reminder on my arm and reciting my favorite quotes from series, book or a lyrics from a song, it really helps me.  

Its a little hard to hide sometimes when what you really wanted is to escape.

I'm f*cking tired sometimes on reminding myself these things because when people compare you to others, you also can't help it to compare yourself to those people. "Don't compare" is actually one rule in my life that is very important because I don't want to be compared to other people because I know my own capacity in life and other people will never tell you that. Even they are family or friends to you sometimes their expectation or trust is too much to handle and since they are expecting more, you will try your very best for you not to fail and when you're trying to be "perfect" along the way there will be this one day that you will eventually break into pieces. And that, is the situation that I don't want to happen to me, to be broken physically and emotionally.

That's why I do what I want in life and I'm happy that I can do this and people around may accept me or not while I'm experimenting on myself but who cares, I still think of pros and cons most of the time and believe me when I say I do think best or worst case scenario ever before doing a major change.

Being controlled or not having the freedom you needed / wanted is exhausting. Parents can control us but they should also know our own opinion about things if we really want what they wanted you to be or not. Guidance is the right term because "being controlled" is way too different from it. 

I have my own reasons why I did the things that I did before or why I made those decisions but now, I don't regret it. I'm living with it.

I don't know what do you think while reading this. Clearly, I don't have a crystal clear direction about this post but this is one therapy that I have in life, blog it or write it whatever it is on my head or when something is bugging me so at some point I'll be okay and I'll move on, because not everyone will be so willing to hear this and its your choice if you'll read this. (well, thank you if you are)

Sometimes reading some "rant" post that I have in the past, makes me smile and  I even laugh about it because I can't believe I typed those things but I also learned from it and looking back makes you realized that you passed those situation and that you can be a stronger person than who was you that moment when you posted that specific "rant post".

Yeah, sometimes I'm so fucking tired of reminding myself good stuff but I'll never be tired of believing on myself.

And times like this. I'm so happy that Paramore made a song so perfect for this kind of situation. I want to share to you one of my favorite and one of my life saver song

Last Hope by Paramore

Its just a spark but its enough to keep me going. (I really wanted this sentence on my skin)

"No sense in hiding when all you're running from is the truth" - Mike Franks | NCIS S10E24