Butterflies and Ghost

02.17.2026

It all started of course by just a message from JT and the cousin wanted to get some new ones and asked me if I can go with her of course will I let it pass seeing JT without me getting any? Lol 

Not on my original plan but I still have some on my list but for an impromptu decision, I still want to think about it for me not to regret it. 

Good thing no one is on schedule today and we are on by 6PM and I still have some hours to think about what I’m getting or where to put them. 

- Butterflies 

For so long I’ve been eyeing butterflies for a reason of what happened in Palawan last 2024. For placement, I wasn’t sure where to but my left forearm still has some space so I want to fill those and it worked out perfectly. They’re so cute. 

- A rabbit being a ghost 

There’s an inside joke between me and someone about a bunny but then when I was looking up on Pinterest there’s the thought of “Death inspired me like a dog inspires a rabbit”. I quickly played heavydirtysoul by twenty one pilots and checked the lyrics. Now we have a new meaning for getting this rabbit. Why ghost? Misguided Ghost by Paramore. duh. Lol 

As usual I’m craving for physical pain once again and everything is like a perfect timing to get the tattoo. There’s so much meaning about it with my recent realization and break down. 

Also, I already saw the announcement of a music video for Drag Path, and I really don’t get hyped up about it because somehow I’m no fan of music videos and probably it’s just going to be a continuation of the lore. 

02.18.2026 - notification that the music video of Drag Path is released. 

MAIN CHARACTER - A RABBIT. 

“DEATH INSPIRED ME LIKE A DOG INSPIRES A RABBIT”. 

omg this tattoo, twenty one pilots. It’s just on the right track! 

Love my new stickers. They’re so cute too.

Red Light

I only love being stuck

In traffic with you

Feels like I win a lottery 

If the green light turns red 

Coz it means that 

We can spend

A little more time 

Which I crave 

07.01.2023 16:33

High or Low

 

I just want to be there whether

It is high or low or maybe

Even when there’s nothing to celebrate 

I guess that doesn’t matter to you 

You are still that super independent 

Who I knew back then 

As my mantra when we first met

If you don’t want me around you

Then I’m keeping my distance 

Even it sometimes hurt so bad 

05.22.2023 02:26

Pause or End

Fast forward to now, 7 years later

We haven’t talk much like before

For the past year already

I just want to believe that 

COVID fucked us up

Just like how it was for everyone else

And I’m still processing that 

Somehow I lost my alter ego,

My soulmate 

But now, I want to believe that 

You are starting to build

Something for yourself 

That’s why I have to let go

That’s why we have to

Maybe give this a pause 

Or end it 

04.22.2023 04:08

Tonight

Its raining tonight

And I’m missing you so much these days 

I try to imagine life events with you 

For me to fall asleep

But I just keep awake mostly 

I don’t want to imagine it anymore

I don’t want to be hopeful 

That there’s still chance for us 

I just don’t want to hurt myself anymore 

I don’t want to assume anymore

Its been years of hoping

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting for the perfect time

The perfect moment 

Maybe it doesn’t happen

Because it wasn’t suppose to happen

Maybe its time for me to accept that 

There’s really no chance

Maybe our story really hit the end of it 

I’m in denial and avoiding this for awhile 

Even with so much tears

And with another heartbreak

Maybe its time to accept 

That this is over. 

04.13.2023 02:56

Wall

You said I was strong 

I’m afraid that it just making me so numb

Even I have tears from time to time

I know that I’m slowly building up that wall again 

Afraid that no one will ever try to break that ever again

Maybe this time I’ll make it a double wall 

You set a high standard for me 

Sadly you also set the lowest one

I miss you 

I love you still

To wherever this story will go

I hope by then

We are both ready

Mature enough 

To finally work things out

Sorry but I have to be careful 

Even from you

If you will ever try again 

Hit my walls harder by then 

 11.09.2022 01:54

Trippin’

I thought you will asked
For a late night drive 
To finally hangout 
Maybe to a random coffee shop
Even we don’t drink coffee 
Or on a 24 hour fast food chain 
Given the situation
It might not happen 
But I want that to happen
We both talked about such trippin’ 
I still wish you will 

… 07.20.2022 00:07 

Minimalist for 2 hours

October 20 2023 

My tattoo artist is celebrating his tattoo shop’s 15th year and for the month of October he put up some promo where at some point he is also challenging himself. 

He messaged me about it early this month and since my aunt is having a plan to get a tattoo, I inform her about the promo and she’s down with it. 

JT and I are exchanging messages about his promo and when my aunt was finally decided, I scheduled us and finalize the date. 

His promo was, 2 hours tattoo time for as many as you can minimalist design only for a minimum amount not included the plotting of design and the break time. 

My aunt a first timer got 5 tattoos in total. 

I don’t really have a plan yet but I will not just accompany my aunt and watch when I can definitely max the 2 hours promo. 

Planning my tattoo are really one of the distraction that I have from this reality.

I don’t plan my tattoo overnight unless I thought of it for months also the placement 

I don’t really like the minimalist idea but availing this promo can cross half of my tattoo list, to be honest also I need to feel some pain to know I’m alive. 

So I got a lot and to be honest you can look at it and just think that probably there’s no reason behind it all but maybe only one person or two can know the real meaning without me explaining it. I also got 2 text tattoo that is literally so obvious why 

I’m thinking of not oversharing it in here this time because I just want to preserve the moment and the real meaning behind it but I can share the simple version of it or not. Lol

• Feathers 
• Sea shell - I love the beach.  
• Hourglass - Paramore song “Running Out of Time”
• Paw print - for my doggies 
• Pizza - I just love pizza
• Star - for Karlo (been wanting one for him because “star is blind”) also my 3rd star tattoo
• Heart - I just realized that this is also my 3rd heart tattoo 
• Mini skull and a rose 
• Brainstorm
• Ice Cream - the album cover of Crybaby by Tegan and Sara
• “This Is Why” - Paramore album
• “Be brave” - FEU (I’ve been planning to get a FEU related tattoo ever since. I planned on the year where we will be a champion on men’s basketball but then I wasn’t able to be there inside MOA Arena the day we crowned as champions in 2015. I got a new reason now, October 2023 when we beat Ateneo in the 1st and 2nd round of UAAP S86. Lol)

My time reached 1 hour and 40 minutes of tattoo time. 

I can do 2 hours but I honestly ran out of design at that certain moment but a day after, ideas are coming in again. Well, I still have a lot to be honest but as I search for them I just think of how cliche some of the things I wanted so I really have to think about it. 

So far this session cover the years that I didn’t have any tattoo and I dedicate this session to 2013 and 2017. Haha

I can do 4 hours tattoo time with my skull and snake but minimal ones are different really. 

In 2018, I did 5 in one sitting this year I did 13-16 depends on how you will count a 4 paw print, 2 feathers, and the 5 words. Lol

I’m really against of it becoming patches but it is what it is now and I can do another theme on my right arm. 

Treat yourself and get some tattoos. - 10.24.2023

 

Sunday Workout

 

January 1 2023

Relatives decided to do a roadtrip in Tanay and even that it was a Sunday when I mostly preferred to rest up, I decided to go.

Is Tanay the new Tagaytay? Maybe 

It is more accessible to us than Tagaytay and I love that province road trip 

We ate at Wyndell’s Al Fresco, good food and wide selection. 

Then they want to have coffee at Palpitate Coffee Tanay and I tell you to never go there on a weekend and on a holiday. Not good for you vehicle. Lol Yes, the view is nice but you don’t want to sacrifice your car condition just because for coffee and the place got limited tables which for sure can’t accommodate weekend goers. Sorry but not really and not because I’m not a coffee lover, I love places with good view but not this one. 

Personally, I needed that roadtrip. 

 

Closure

 October 28 2022.

Booked my appointment October 23rd because I’ve been longing to have a tattoo for a while now. I’ve been hanging out with friends the past weekends that’s why I can’t schedule it much early last month. 

Booked the 28th just because it’s the last Friday, it was a long weekend, looks perfect to end October and maybe a closure on something. 

Originally I have couple of things that I really wanted to get. As my tattoo artist asked what it will be I just sent “happier than ever” text and the sunflower. Surprisingly I hesitated one of the original planned tattoo. I doubted and thought that at some point it doesn’t make sense anymore as I close one chapter of my life. 

I don’t want to regret it if I pushed it so for now I’m putting it on hold or maybe I will never get it anymore. 

One reason why I get tattoos is that when I need to be reminded that I’m still alive and feeling pain. You might not get it but yup it is so much deeper than what you think. 

~ 

I was doing last minute errands before the long weekend that day and I keep on reminding myself that I have a tattoo appointment by 7pm. It was raining that afternoon too but luckily it stopped that night or else I’ll cancel that session. 

I also wanted to get my 2022 tattoo, I’ll be busy towards the end of this year that I might not make it so I make it happen early or else 2022 might be skipped. October is also a month that hasn’t been good to me for the past year I just want to end this as a good one. 

~

The tattoos;

“Happier Than Ever” - by Billie Eilish, an album and a song. This album has been saving me from certain situations since it was release last year. I love love the album so much and the song of course. I was able to witness HTE tour (August 13 2022) where it was my first concert after years and had the worst PCD ever. Pour my heart out while singing along that night. 

I decided on the title since I can’t think of any symbol that can represent the album. I was also thinking of the name “Billie Eilish” but for now that’s too much. 

Now I can move on from my PCD and listen to other artist but from time to time I caught myself singing a song from the album. Lol 

Sunflower - I’m mesmerized by sunflower ever since I first saw one. It made on my tattoo list just to represent someone I never met. It finally made to the top list when M surprised me a bouquet with 3 sunflowers on it out of nowhere last July 14 (considered that as a peace offering). 

Tears in my eyes when it was being done. I got too emotional remembering how he surprised me that I was caught off guard that time. I wish everything went well. 

After it was done JT asked me if I want to add some shading on my baby cupcake, I don’t want to ruin or make much edit on the original sketch but I agreed on just the base of it. He making an edit to cupcake reminded me the meaning of the upper part of it. Putting light shades to the base makes me think that it was the struggles and challenges for the past years. Haay. I might spoil too much personal stuff. I need to stop. 

After it was done JT mentioned how there are still ink and that’s when it crossed my mind to add a little pencil. I let him decide on the placement of it. I still have small random things on my list but I’ll save that for another day. 

Pencil - started writing poems and love letters ever since 2016. I don’t usually use a pencil writing those letters but he loves to sketch. I can’t live without pencil at work too and I use them as long as I can hold it’s size. Makes me remember my dad as well. By the time he was doing it I was smiling because the pencil is so cute. 

Reminding myself to never stop writing whatever I want. 

Reminding me to always give justice to my other reminder “expression is survival”. 

~

I’ve been struggling the past days but I’m still going. Making things work even it somehow breaks me from time to time. I have to move because I know this world will leave me if I do nothing. 

I still make time for myself just to escape for a little while. Even though it makes me hate times where I feel like that my own feelings and issues shouldn’t be a priority as I have to put other people first. It feels like I don’t have any other choice. Sacrifices that I make that nobody cares.  

Sore to your eyes or not, judge me for wearing my heart on my sleeves. 

Radio

My free Apple Music subscription ended and I really no plan on renewing it. Then I just re-discovered the Radio tab on Music app and there are local and international stations and I’m now listening to radio again after years. 

I don’t know how long this will last but so far so good

I do post some of the music that I’ve been listening on certain times but I’m currently out of album to listen to. I’m not sure what I want to listen that’s why easy access to a radio station was a relief. 

My problem so far is that I’m expecting a familiar song to play on. Haha 

One reason why I stopped listening to radio is that they play songs that I don’t really like or I was just in a wrong radio station. 

There are only certain time of the day that I play the radio though since I still like playing my own choice of music. 

Radio is surprising me with some good music. Speaking of surprises, I did discovered the new released song by Billie Eilish on BBC Radio 1 while I was tuning in. Don’t ask me why I like international radio. Lol 

Keeping music in the background that I don’t personally choose is also good when I was doing something most especially when I want to write some personal stuff. 

It also makes me updated now with the new releases internationally. At the same time reminiscing some early 2000’s. 

I mostly tuned in getting ready in the morning or at night so I can avoid watching TV or watching too much Youtube videos. 

The other day, I accidentally commanded Alexa to play the radio and I just discovered that feature of the Echo Dot! Happy accident, I guess. 

 

Adjustments

April 9 2022 . 

Woke up that day with some ray of sunshine peeking at my window. Somehow I know it will be a good day to finally see friends again and it just need to happen so I can finally tell some new stories. 

It was also a day for so many first things. 

Left the house by 11am, Dap and I we’re at MRT Shaw by 12nn. 

I still want to roam around Megamall but I also want to go straight to MOA so whatever happen I will still have extra time or just go roam around there instead. We still don’t have tickets that’s why I also want to be there early. So for now, no to Megamall. Hehe

MRT - I miss train rides so much that we just enjoyed standing because you have to practice your balance to be an expert. Lol I didn’t know that few rules while riding the train that apparently you can’t have conversation while inside. Few people already heard my short story when a lady guard came to our area and reminded someone in front of us. I get used on not being with someone on my travel so I really don’t care on such. Now, I know. 

While on that train ride, there are so many things running in my head. There was somehow a flash back when this pandemic started, when we are all ordered to stay home and all the protocols that we have to follow and the changes of this life in majority. 

This is one reason why I enjoy commuting because there are a lot realization with it. 

I was hesitant to take a short video during the trip that I know if I didn’t get my phone from my pocket, I will regret for not doing it. That video started my 1-minute video of everything which I got the idea from an online friend. 

I just want to take photos and not regret for not doing so. 

I bought my camera but it is challenging at times so we have to settle for the phone for easy access. Not really against with phone camera but still the quality of the photos. 

People around me may or may not aware that I do take a picture of everything. Now that I was out and about, I want to capture more once again. I’ve been settling with some usual photos that I took once in a while from my daily routines and I need something new to look at. 

After that train ride, we transfer to a bus and in a few we are already in MOA in which I really forgot when was the last time I was there. 

There are a lot of changes in MOA but I was smiling inside of the mask and my heart is so happy that I was finally back in there. Over thinking about it days before was not worth it. 

I can still be able to travel and commute to places. To be honest, there are lot of over thinking before I commute these days but you really have to conquer your fear to realize that you can do it. I fear commuting because of the virus but been to some and I’m more relaxed now. I still take some precautions for myself since that is the only thing that we can do for now. 

I still hate malls on the weekend but no choice it was Saturday and we are there for the UAAP because if not for that, I will just probably stay at home. Though I want to visit IKEA but maybe next time.

MOA Arena and the ticket system, after all these years, you haven’t change. Lol Good thing our game was the last for the day so there are few lower box available. 

~

I'm excited for this since it will be the first time that I will be watching the game post-lasik. This

is one event of my life where I struggle every time for using contact lens since I mostly don't like wearing glasses when I'm about to commute or go somewhere.

We are somehow back to the usual normal we all used to.

I did hesitate to go on this one but since there are scare that we might go on to another lock

down after some time or specifically after the election since there are no news about COVID

anymore with the specific numbers of new cases, deaths and recoveries. It is scary but we all

experienced being locked up at home and maybe regretting some life events that we should

attended pre-COVID. I don't want to regret some of the opportunities lately to go out even

attending to an event is expensive kindly charge it to experience. 

~

Somehow I’m also thankful for the mask since I was unexpectedly smiling from ear to ear randomly just like when we are once again inside the train, arriving at MOA and being inside MOA Arena again with live basketball and of course, friends. 

It is also nice to see some familiar faces that I wonder how they are during the pandemic but so good to see them after all of the crazy things. 

I can’t say more it was just really a nice day and I was able to finally escape hometown for a day. I was able to enjoy and have time for myself and it was a very good distraction with all my worries in life. 

One problem is that since I’m living with routine for the last 2 years, I still have to adjust a little with all the changes but it was worth it.

I haven’t shared my realizations for the past years since I got so overwhelmed with everything. Hopefully this is also the start be able to tell stories again and some real life realization.