Closure

 October 28 2022.

Booked my appointment October 23rd because I’ve been longing to have a tattoo for a while now. I’ve been hanging out with friends the past weekends that’s why I can’t schedule it much early last month. 

Booked the 28th just because it’s the last Friday, it was a long weekend, looks perfect to end October and maybe a closure on something. 

Originally I have couple of things that I really wanted to get. As my tattoo artist asked what it will be I just sent “happier than ever” text and the sunflower. Surprisingly I hesitated one of the original planned tattoo. I doubted and thought that at some point it doesn’t make sense anymore as I close one chapter of my life. 

I don’t want to regret it if I pushed it so for now I’m putting it on hold or maybe I will never get it anymore. 

One reason why I get tattoos is that when I need to be reminded that I’m still alive and feeling pain. You might not get it but yup it is so much deeper than what you think. 

~ 

I was doing last minute errands before the long weekend that day and I keep on reminding myself that I have a tattoo appointment by 7pm. It was raining that afternoon too but luckily it stopped that night or else I’ll cancel that session. 

I also wanted to get my 2022 tattoo, I’ll be busy towards the end of this year that I might not make it so I make it happen early or else 2022 might be skipped. October is also a month that hasn’t been good to me for the past year I just want to end this as a good one. 

~

The tattoos;

“Happier Than Ever” - by Billie Eilish, an album and a song. This album has been saving me from certain situations since it was release last year. I love love the album so much and the song of course. I was able to witness HTE tour (August 13 2022) where it was my first concert after years and had the worst PCD ever. Pour my heart out while singing along that night. 

I decided on the title since I can’t think of any symbol that can represent the album. I was also thinking of the name “Billie Eilish” but for now that’s too much. 

Now I can move on from my PCD and listen to other artist but from time to time I caught myself singing a song from the album. Lol 

Sunflower - I’m mesmerized by sunflower ever since I first saw one. It made on my tattoo list just to represent someone I never met. It finally made to the top list when M surprised me a bouquet with 3 sunflowers on it out of nowhere last July 14 (considered that as a peace offering). 

Tears in my eyes when it was being done. I got too emotional remembering how he surprised me that I was caught off guard that time. I wish everything went well. 

After it was done JT asked me if I want to add some shading on my baby cupcake, I don’t want to ruin or make much edit on the original sketch but I agreed on just the base of it. He making an edit to cupcake reminded me the meaning of the upper part of it. Putting light shades to the base makes me think that it was the struggles and challenges for the past years. Haay. I might spoil too much personal stuff. I need to stop. 

After it was done JT mentioned how there are still ink and that’s when it crossed my mind to add a little pencil. I let him decide on the placement of it. I still have small random things on my list but I’ll save that for another day. 

Pencil - started writing poems and love letters ever since 2016. I don’t usually use a pencil writing those letters but he loves to sketch. I can’t live without pencil at work too and I use them as long as I can hold it’s size. Makes me remember my dad as well. By the time he was doing it I was smiling because the pencil is so cute. 

Reminding myself to never stop writing whatever I want. 

Reminding me to always give justice to my other reminder “expression is survival”. 

~

I’ve been struggling the past days but I’m still going. Making things work even it somehow breaks me from time to time. I have to move because I know this world will leave me if I do nothing. 

I still make time for myself just to escape for a little while. Even though it makes me hate times where I feel like that my own feelings and issues shouldn’t be a priority as I have to put other people first. It feels like I don’t have any other choice. Sacrifices that I make that nobody cares.  

Sore to your eyes or not, judge me for wearing my heart on my sleeves.