Random . June 2020

June 1st and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to survive this month, again. 

Fear of the unknown is real right now. 

Somethings are out of my control and I can’t do anything about it. 

Someone wants me locked up for a certain time. It was such a good distraction. 

Stress eating 101 

With what is happening in this country and to the world, this is just too much to handle. 

I’m about to watch Westworld S03 and I just watched a S02 recap and I can’t even remember a thing!

What will 2020 looks like in history books? 

Finally decided to catch up on my TV series and for now, Westworld. 

Hopefully my three parcels will arrive today. 

Is it weird that the past few years we are trying to lessen the use of plastic and now we are relying to it as a safety net. Same with trash we are trying to at least recycle but now everything needs to be disposable. 

For now, I just want to survive this week. 

Don’t judge me on who I talked to because I have boundaries to everyone. 

Who knows, you might need them eventually. 

Upgraded my Blackberry to Android and its fun to customize and to usey USB-C but iOS is iOS. Good thing I use both because you can’t have both Android but you can have multiple Apple products. ;)

I can't handle all of this at once

Social media is so toxic especially right now

Baguio and La Union with college friends was a year ago! 

Just look what can a year change

Happy Birthday Karlo! I miss you! 

Got addicted to a game then deleted it the next day. lol

Finishing the second half of #HTGAWM

Samsung is really the competition

When you run away from it and left the people to suffer

Before you react, make sure you are 100% clean 

So freaking hot

SHIT

What a beautiful ending #HTGAWM

So good to sleep with the sound of the rain

I don't really want to be caught in the act where I don't know what to do next especially when I have no other option. 

Can I disappear for the next few days? I really don't know what to do next. This is too much to handle. For real.

Somehow thankful that wearing a mask is a requirement these days. 

I'm wearing pants again after 2 months

I'm aware of a lot of things that you will never know.

Can I just cry until everything to be okay?

Stress eating. again. 

First my laptop now my work pc. What is happening 😭  

No regrets on what was my decision before but what if I gave it up that time? 

So chill even my work pc looks like need some reformat but F*CK. 

I might break down today. 

If I can choose, I’ll just choose the personal attack than this which btw a result of a person being selfish. 

One problem solve more to go. 

I’m already exhausted with everything that I want to get away for who knows how long. 

Stumbled upon old conversation and it’s making me emotional. 

If I can’t voice out my decision I let other people to know why I can’t in a way that they will also see what I see but unfortunately, some people are just plain stupid. 

No need to rush if I have time to spare 

#TheLastDance have us a snippet of what was the world of basketball before and now I’m missing basketball so much. 

It’s not about legacy or reputation anymore. It’s about making the right decision. 

If anyone told us 6 years ago that there will be a pandemic in 2020 that will change out life 100%, of course no one cares let alone believe. Unlike the way we were aware of 2012. 

Watching a travel tv show is making me miss exploring another country. 

Bangkok is still on the bucket list. 

Sometimes you don’t have to gamble everything even you can oversee what is ahead. 

If we are depending on someone or something, consider the reality that comes with life. 

Doesn’t mean you got that dream is that it will be instantly become reality. It’s good to dream and make it to reality but don’t forget the long road you’ll have to take before you get there. 

#WWDC was a nice escape

Simple life, hanging out, birthday, family, friends and sunset. #dream

Personal attacks because on how I treat you and my personality is ok but judging how I decide on things by also depending on situation is not. 

If I can escape right now, I will and you won’t probably find me. 

Takes a lot of courage to get out of bed, to get out of my room let alone be seen by people while they judge. 

Will I survive this week? Not sure. 

Is it possible not to lose myself in this process? In a process where you have to think of others before yourself. 

Did I even made a wrong decision along the way? 

One thing is for sure, I’m not blaming myself. 

It’s been a month since I decided not to. Surprisingly it’s making me emotional. 06.23.2020

People will never try to understand you. Sad truth. 

I have few goals to get through this. 

I’m so close in having panic attack

Let’s try not to ruin some things when I’m on this kind of clumsiness

If I have to do it again I will but there will be differences. 

I somehow wish it was just 8 or 16 and not 24. 

When your own vision isn’t the same as mine. 

There’s nothing wrong on seeking some help. 

Feels like selling half of myself. 

Be careful on what we wish. 

Baguio and school hangs. I’m missing the good old days. 

If not heart burn it is anxiety for real. 

I guess that was too early to be comfortable for the weekend. 

Not sure in what will happen next. I’m so clueless. 

I finally did an undercut

Busy weekend and an unpredictable week ahead. 

That was a little spark of hope

My geek heart is so pumped up to but I think I still need to wait for a proper upgrade

I can be a brat but I choose not to

Prioritizing the social status while you are literally failing in reality. 

I did survive this month. 

6 more months for this year.

Escape

As he is scheduled to go home to Bicol this weekend or any day soon I was just thinking that I miss some legit vacation. (He made it safely to Bicol, btw) 

As stress and anxiety are consuming me so much these days and with this pandemic and with all the  events that keep on happening I wish that I could go with him to escape. I miss going on a very quick vacation. As if I will choose a quick vacation this time. 

If I really do not think much and I’m so very careless lately, I will really escape. Everything is really too much to handle. I’m already exhausted. 

How can we able to do some quick vacation like we do weekend trips. Will it still possible? Right now, if you decide to travel you should have some papers that you can to travel from point a to b. I know it will not last that way but think of future travels. Will it be as easy or we need to have permits. 

I was watching earlier the video that I made during my first trip to Jakarta and I’m missing that kind of reality. 

Everything really changes in the way we act outside and unfortunately, some people still act the same. 

I know we can all just move on from all of this but can we also not forget that we literally just lost few months in our life. For some its not really too much that you can’t make it a big deal but really how can we keep up with time and day when we lost a few months of the usual normal? It will also take some time to really catch up with life in general. 

As I finish watching #TheLastDance it makes me miss basketball too. Watching live basketball game is an easy escape. 

Right now the only quick escape that I can do is go to the grocery to buy stuff and do some impulsive buy online. Really expensive than doing some quick escape. 

Missing a lot of things lately. 

I’m missing a lot of people too. 

Grocery Trip

In the past I'm ok for not leaving town for a while mostly to save money and if friends are busy what am I going to do out there right? Since we are locked down for the past couple of months, to be honest I'm missing the city.

The perks of living in a small town is quite okay during lock down since SM is just across the street, we can still go out of the house because village life.

I do grocery once a week and this is the only time we really did grocery to have stock of food. We usually don't do it since before we are mostly out and as I said, SM is just across the street we can go anytime when we need something but this time it was different. I was doing grocery and almost filling up a big cart. Usually after work for me to de-stress and for me to close my rings on my Apple Watch, I roam around SM at around 7pm to buy dinner or just look around, there are times that I will do quick grocery stop just to buy something and one last memory of before was I just hold what I buy just so I will not spend much. Recently, I just get what I see that may be needed or be useful at some point that is available because one day there's so much and the next day, there's already none.

Having some stock is not that bad to be honest. Some may call it hoarding but the way I do it, it's not just buy everything all at once. What I do is that every grocery trip, I buy milk since my sister is a milk monster I buy max of 10pcs (1L) of fresh milk then the next grocery trip if there's milk I get 4pcs (1L) and again on the next trip because sometimes there's no milk available. If you prefer a specific brand, you really have to stock up. On my personal stuff, for example on cotton buds, I buy 2 packs then if I open another pack I already list it as need to buy for the next grocery trip.

When someone saw my usual 3 each of shampoo and conditioner, she said it was much but it's handy if you already ran out of shampoo or conditioner and I don't like that and I use a specific brand that can be rarely find and very rare to be in stock at the grocery. Nearby SM doesn't even hold up so much unlike the other grocery or by SM Hypermarket.

Same with food, my sister will tell me that I once again bought a pack of crackers when we already have 10 packs at home but the dogs usually eat crackers 2-3 times a day so we really need that.

It's not hoarding if you are slowly filling your pantry but also don't abuse your stock.

One time my aunt ran out of specific brand of milk that she buy. I told her to buy more then next time she can buy 1-2 just to fill it up.

I once hoarded All Purpose Cream because it took weeks before it got stock up in the grocery and everyone is making something with All Purpose Cream. 

I recently hoarded Vanilla Extract since there were a lot at the grocery after months and the next day, they were none. 

Going out mostly means grocery trip and it still therapeutic even there are changes.

I also changed my SM trip, I don't usually go everyday if I can I still do once a week unless I need to go and buy some stuff and I do it now by 5pm because stores closes at 6pm but grocery is up to 7pm. Imagine that are my usual go to SM time but now they closes by that time. 

Missing the old times but I'm also loving this current reality we are in. I just hate that some people are still living like the usual when everything almost changed.

If you are not the one assigned doing your weekly grocery, I hope it is also therapeutic for you too. 

Keep safe! 

Out

The last time I was out of town was March 10, 2020. I was already hesitant to go out that day since the rumor of lock down is just around the corner and I don't want to cancel my appointment at the same time plus I also needed to be out there.

There are a bit changes already that time, there are few people on the mall and I was already cautious on my surrounding. I still decided to stay a little bit longer at Megamall even it was also exhausting being outside when you are all done with everything but I really needed that alone time in a public space.

Can't remember the last before that day when I spend time alone in a public place and just be with my thoughts and write. I'm missing home court already. Staying there late and be at some specific fast food or coffee shop. I miss MOA too!

I live outside the city but sometimes I also need to be in the city if I'm so exhausted in the small town life at the end of the day, I still go back in here.

It was also weird to see the empty street in the afternoon. Its not new to me but empty streets are just normal when I'm going home late.

Might still be a while before we get back to what was before now that we should be living with restrictions when we're out and to be more cautious on our surrounding.

But since we can't be on lock down forever, just be extra careful and if you really don't have business outside, just stay at home. I know it doesn't apply to everyone but be extra cautious trust no one. 

Random . May 2020

May, will you be a better one than the previous? 

Doesn’t matter on how it helped you with this current reality, we are all affected anyway. Just don’t forget how it helped you even without this virus. Also remind yourself why you are living that way.

We shouldn’t bring the past back but living that way in the past brought us here in the present.

Why do people trust an unbranded USB drive. 

When I encountered a laptop problem during quarantine. 

I need to read a book but I also want to watch five full season of different TV series. 

I’m trying to recall what was life before quarantine which feels so long ago. I can’t almost remember. 

How naked you need to be in public just to let them know you are empty inside. 

Now that we are somehow over the lockdown period, why do people go back to the usual so fast when we are all just recovering from what we lost. 

I can’t almost relate to the podcast episode that I’m listening that was published earlier this year. 

I don’t want to put some faces on names that you always mention. 

Some people will really rejoice on your failure. 

My frustration over other people is too much. 

For other people they already excepted it as their duty but for some it’s all about the money. I get it we all work for that but sometimes you got to do what you need to do with or without the money.

Why do some people go back to normal as if nothing happened. Our enemy is really just waiting for us to lose our patience. 

Will my anxiety and frustration make me sleep tonight? Who know. Good night. 

Everyone is really returning to the usual normal when we shouldn’t. 

Most people are generous this days and went from losing their patience and frustration. 

I want to do something but I don’t know what it is and it’s already 1 AM. I’m so hype and I’m so screwed.

I wish I am also living on the same village with my friends.

Can all smart phone just have a speaker on the side because it’s much better.

The reason of me not answering a phone call is none of your business. There are a lot of reasons why someone can’t answer a call. Don’t assume. 

Personality over.

Invest in your home or house or just what’s inside of it because you will never know when you will be stuck for a month or two. 

First stop after ECQ will be the dentist. 

It was a productive day that I was able to fix my other hard drive. That was so satisfying.

Good thing I didn’t gave in on buying some unnecessary stuff that I don’t have to think about it right now.

One thing I do when I go out is to observe people, maybe it will be fun to observe the new normal with social distancing and people wearing masks in public.

The only thing that’s preventing me to read a book is the release of Petals for Armor this weekend.

Days are just passing by quickly.

Happy birthday Papa. I miss you so much. 

Now I know why I didn’t like you before when I saw you for the first time.

At this day of quarantine I really wish we have a pool in the house. That is a total dream.

If that wasn’t clear enough for you, I’m not sure how close minded you are. 

I cooked three meals.

There are a lot of things to write but my head is wrapped up on Petals for Armor. 

I am once again preventing to express some feelings but Petals for Armor part three is pure expression. 

I am ignoring writing all of these feelings for a while now. 

The other day I was thinking of what was life before quarantine but now everyone is just like back to normal. Which is a little bit strange. 

So good to spend time with cousins once again. 

Too much distraction on one silent night. 

I’m sorry to give in to upgrade but if I start to think critically, facts can’t hide and I can’t run away from it. 

If it happened a year ago, we can make a way to solve it. If it is happening right now in the middle of a pandemic, I think you should be considerate. 

When I prepare the right words, it just escaped me and I will end up not writing anything at all. 

Made a chocolate chip from scratch. It was almost perfect until I ruined it. Trial and error. 

It pains me when people are frustrated that I can’t do anything about it. 

Its hard to make people understand or look at your own perspective because they also have their own. 

I watched 10 season of The Walking Dead and I think that’s too much to handle

If I decide to be too honest, will you take it all? Will you really understand?

This is also the time where people should accept their previous life decisions. Been there. 

Maybe we fail in such but guess what, maybe we all screwed up. 

Missing the hyper doggies. 

One reason why somehow I’m not being fully affected is that we both know personally that sometimes when you asked, it’s automatically granted. 

What if I quit. 

Dark times. 

It was a though month to write or writers block. 

Anxiety attack

I stress eat today. 

It’s been a while since I ordered something online and now that I have ordered, I can’t wait to get them. Its taking so long. Lol

Took a moment to listen to 26 I think I needed that. 

I almost screwed up. Fck. 

On Repeat . Petals for Armor III

Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams

Can it be considered if I have no words for this album? 

There are a lot of very nice reviews about this album and I will be for sure biased as I’m a huge fan of this woman. 

Petals for Armor is one reason why I was able to survive the past month with this pandemic and I will be forever thankful for that. Isn’t it cool that Hayley Williams finally gave in on releasing her own album and it was released in a middle of pandemic. Memorable. 

The last 5 songs are released on May 8th and as we already indulge the first 10 songs, we are very well prepared for the last 5 songs. Hayley released it by part on purpose and after it was released we understand why she did that. It was nice to have something to look forward every week during quarantine. 

So for the last five song, my rank will be 

Crystal Clear

Pure Love

Watch Me While I Bloom

Sugar On The Rim

Taken

Not sure on when will I put the full album maybe soon and it’s going to be a while before I’ll move on from this part. 

Petals for Armor is almost out for a month now. If you haven’t listened, stream it now.

“I won’t give in to the fear” - Crystal Clear 

Random . April 2020

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Aivrin Villamayor (@aeivryn) on Apr 27, 2020 at 9:41am PDT

Hopefully this will be a better month than the last. 

Do you wish to have an invisible cloak in this time a quarantine just to go out?

As much as I want to plan the things that I want to do or what I want to eat or where to go after this quarantine, I just want this to be over so we will all move on and adjust to the new normal / new routine. 

It is already hard to decide when everything was normal what more when everything is literally on hold.

I’m avoiding to watch the news but looks like I still need to be updated for the sake of everyone. 

Obviously it’s a harassment. 

My critical thinking is on vacation. Wait till the comeback. 

This new song from Hayley !!!!!!! #OverYet

This stress caused by other people will end me. Really.

I’ll let you do what you do but when it comes to fixing the things that you failed to do, don’t leave it to me to fix it.

If I ditched one, I usually do it to everyone. 

It’s hard to decide on things if you have limited resources. 

Carbonara was almost a success. 

I shouldn’t be watching a love story but I finished two movies.

Don’t assume that after this lockdown, we will quickly go back to the usual normal. We need some time to adjust.

People in the wrong decisions.

I put Parmesan cheese on everything.

I was supposed to have a scheduled something today that I will for sure end up in Megamall. I dreamed of roaming around the mall and maybe I will be able to schedule to cross out that #2020goal. Got to wait a little bit longer.

I want to include a note or a quote that will strike you into your inner conscience but that will never have an effect.

When you badly want to change the battery even it is still working.

When you wanted transparency but you unconsciously make it more hidden.

Don’t we just miss the hype.

I was living a daily routine before the lockdown and now it was cut into half and got so many time for other stuff.

I’m not sure if “thank you” will make you feel better if you’re so anxious for a month now.

Baking. Lol. Fail. Oh wait. Somehow success. 

Twenty One Pilots once again save me with #LevelOfConcern

So thankful for music. 

For years that I’ve been cutting my hair, I was really doing it in a very wrong way. I got a good tip and end up trimming my hair at 5 AM. 

With all the cooking that I do lately, feels like dad was in me. I miss you daddy and somehow I wish you are with us during this quarantine. 

Cubao, I miss you. 

Raining on Easter. 

If you ever started to question, I suggest to just look in the mirror and ask yourself. 

I think I’ll breakdown soon. 

I just wish people will always keep an open mind most especially during such situation. 

When we were young, we always say we want to be a doctor to help cure the sick people. Right now, it’s just all about the money that so far to the thinking when we were kids. #SadTruth

When you try to show off to people but on the other side of it, there’s harassment. 

This day started as shit and might as well end it the same. 

Maybe the day that I will breakdown. 04.15.2020

When their level of understanding is way much higher than you are. 

Basic and people are already complaining. How we will survive the complicated ones if we are like this. .

I get it, the effect of this lockdown to people like changing temper and understanding but boy I wasn’t prepared for some people's bullshit.

Maybe when I thought I’m already at my worst state, the universe is telling me differently.

Was it worse than the bullying before? Maybe not. Probably there’s few new ones roaming right now.

I’m a believer of talking for better communication but if you’re willing to seek for answer or explanation please do keep an open mind.

A little understanding will not hurt and I also 100% understand the frustration but you could’ve been nicer.

I’m too tired to argue, kids. Let’s talk whenever you’re cool.

I don’t want to be a bitch to all of you.

I cried. It was for being happy, sad, for the frustration, fear and anxiety but it was a good cry. 04.16.2020 

Apple announce the new iPhone SE!!!

Hayley Williams will release a new song later!

Don’t make me upset about something because I might do a retail therapy that I don’t need. :-)

I badly need some hugs, the tightest one.

Why am I at least expecting something like a backlash but if that happened, I’ll be shocked or maybe not that you step down to that level.

A little bit of understanding and patience. Some people don’t even have anything.

Time to face another day and I do expect that you moved on from yesterday. 

Unplanned call end up with talking for almost one hour that I once again laugh. Thank you for the time, M. 04.17.2020

This new song from Hayley!!!

We should be sleeping on a bunk bed in a hostel in La Union tonight. #Chikababes

For now, let us just dream about La Union

Silently wishing for a total lockdown just to escape and to make some thing to stop. Also for this increasing of numbers of positive cases to at least be stable or decrease. 

I really do feel bad but for now I think we should depend on our current reality. #M21 

Should be the last day of a weekend in La Union. I miss the beach. I miss traveling. 

I’m actual thinking of posting something about my previous vacations but I’m still unsure on what are the specifics that I should be and shouldn’t be posting. I’m still in doubt about it. 

2 days in a row for grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping even before this lockdown. 

I don't even care on how I look if I’m just going to the grocery store. 

omg. I'm so happy. Got my supply of eye drops!!! 

Milk tea fix! :)

Here we go with people’s patience

If you weren't able to receive any, it’s a government issue. Welcome to reality. 

I told you that I will never be on your side. I think I made that clear but you make yourself believe differently. 

I feel so overwhelmed with all the connection of these songs! #DeadHorse 

I can’t also imagine what she’s been through all those years. 

4 years ago. Araneta Coliseum. Red Gate. 04.22.2020

This new ATL album is making me smile. 

Don't make this current reality an excuse because even without this crisis, you are already living that way. 

I don't ask for too much. I guess time is really gold. 

Was being defeated naturally is way better than be killed by one? 

If I'm going to lose you for being honest, then I'm going to live with that.

Feel so sorry for people who are hooked up with teleserye for life. Lol not really. 

Two months of quarantine. Two months of my normal life. Few more weeks of anxiety. 

People introducing their self the way that they shouldn’t. You should be recognized by the way you do and not like this. It was so bad. 

I love testing people’s patience. It just show their true color. 

There was a little guilt trip from that but you screwed up yourself. Lol 

I got some facts while you got your attitude. 

Summer nights

People who doesn't have an inch of consideration in life. 

Will it still be my fault if I already warned you?

That's pretty obvious but I will not ask question, you should know what to do. 

I was trying to understand that dream but I could recall it.

People have trust issue and I get that. 

When people make me doubt myself. 

Domino effect.