Random . July 2014

Sometimes, it depends on the people who are around rather than the two of us. 

This is why somehow I like to feel that again and ..... Ahh never mind.  

When? I don't know. 

'Ain't It Fun' will always be one of my favorite song. 

Should I tell him? I'm used to weird dreams but this one.... Daaaang this dream is haunting me. - 070414

Your decisions are always pretty lame and I’m not a big fan.

I know better things and that’s for sure. 

This new tattoo is confidence. 

A year after is it worst or better? Well, I guess you are still wrecked. 

I think after that I need some intoxicating experience again. Hahaha!

See I'm on the right track baby I was thinking straight. (Tune of Born This Way) 

After 2 weeks, the pain that I felt during my 4th tattoo session is now in the past. 

I don't know what to expect today and its one of those day that you are not looking forward to but at some point I want to end this day asap. I don't know if I'm over acting but maybe I'm not. Good thing there's a plan ahead of this day so bring it and I believe that something will save me after.  

It feels so strange to wear jeans and now I can sit properly. Ain't it fun? Haha. 

Hahaha. Sabi nga ni Pao, "ikaw ang hinirang". 

Omg. I'm fan girling right now. Hahaha. Very inappropriate at the moment. 

That's why eating is very inappropriate because it gives you another set of energy. I'm so famished. 

One day, one shot. I never got that opportunity. 

Hair cut today, dye tomorrow. :D

At least its just a year and a few days for you. I'm trap for 9 fucking years. 

Headache all day. 

There should be a good result later after suffering a Saturday-morning-traffic. And then we won! 1-0 :))) - 071214 

If I feel so much joy I forget my mantra but then when I feel so sweaty it crawls back to my current thoughts. Though I'm still thankful for experiencing commuting and my jeep-trip.  

This is the only second time that I used 'happy heart' after Tegan and Sara. 

That my friend is confidence. :) 

I was paying attention but then you are saying stuff that's contradicting my beliefs that's when I know I stop understanding whatever you're saying. 

I can't remember the pain from my 4th tattoo session.  

Thinking about the next tattoo is driving me insane but in a good way. At the same time I want some little one before that.  

This wind is so terrifying. #glendaph 071614

That was like the worse epilogue I read. I read too much book now in a span of a week there's no thrill anymore but I'm looking forward on reading 'If I Stay' this weekend. 

This blog as well as my photo blog is keeping me sane. 

Dude, your feeding my ego. 

Your negativity is irritating. 

Tattoo plans.

Too much thoughts but I'll let it pass for now, I'll write it down later. #WhereSheWent

Someone always watch us from a distance

Questions. Maybe if we don't have questions then we will be insane. 

For now, I'm done with my books. 

Don't ever ask if the movie is better than the book because it will never be. 

Sometimes, I just don't care. 

Better know where to place yourself before I give you a buffet of your own bullshits. 

Book . Where She Went

Where She Went by Gayle Forman 

I finished Chapter 9 minutes ago and so far so good. Remember when I mentioned that I didn't have that ugly-cry moment on If I Stay? Well, I did a mini-ugly-cry moment already while reading this book and I'm not even at the half of it! 

Just because, I know what Adam feels. How to be left behind after all the effort that you've done for a person that he/she will just dumped you; being left behind without any explanation; being so messed up for the first couple of months and being so lost for a couple of years; being in a guessing game where you think of hilarious reason on 'why he/she left'; or thinking 'what in a world you've done to make him/her leave you'. Sucks that in a world that I'm living in, I keep on guessing what went wrong or what was I've done that make everything go like this even it happened years ago. Maybe it was good old fate or not or maybe I just don't know. Sometimes, I live just good like thinking that "everything happens for a reason" then sometimes, you just want to have a day in your own bed rejecting the outside world just to collect all the shits and fix yourself and let the world around us revolve without us in it. 

As cliché as it is for me, the book is perfectly written on how the author wants it to happen even after all those years. 

When Adam and Mia found each other again in NYC, (I'm saying one of my mantra that 'the real world or reality is not as small as the book or movie') I envied them because at some point they're probably in the right place at the right time and of course, even Mia left Adam for a second she ran after him when he left. 

At the first paragraph, Adam have this mantra "It’s just one day, one twenty-four-hour period to get yourself through' and 'I got through yesterday, I’ll get through today.” Would you believe that I already shred a tear on that? I mean I know what can a 24 hours can do. In a basketball way of talking, in 40 or so minutes, you can win or you can lose a game. It can be a championship or not it is still a game that you badly want to win. It's a game and someone will win while the other will lose a fight. Basketball also taught me that you can make a huge change in a matter of seconds where you can still change the game, if you're losing you can still win and if you are winning you can still lose it not until the final buzzer. But majority I think the best teacher in life is life itself and that worked for me but mostly it was death who really changed the big game for me. 

I'll continue on Chapter 10 later and if they will have that conversation where they explain everything to each other (and lived happily ever after) or if they continue to live in the opposite direction and there will be a proper closure then I'll guarantee you that I'll be having a huge ugly-cry moment.

Later! 

~

WOW. I was blown away. I'm speechless. And yes, I had a huge ugly-cry moment.  

Just like If I Stay, the majority of the book happened in just a day. Its crazy how a day will really turn out when you're not expecting anything. 

And yes, I had a huge-ugly-cry moment when you just want to be in bed all day and let everything sink in my system. Yeah I know its just a book but I really feel what Adam felt the whole time. Its like been there, done that. Unfortunately, the closure did not come after all these years but after reading this book I now consider that some life turning events as an unspoken-closure. I may be look like crap looking for this fucking closure but mostly I don't care. But the book taught me that sometimes we don't need a closure-talk just to have a closure. 

I really envied them when they decided to have a mini-final-tour in NYC for the whole night before they both leave for tour. Their connection is unquestionable because they grew up together and yes, somethings don't change that they still prefer a diner than any fine dinning restaurant. 

I can't tell you how much I imagine crossing path from someone in the past but sometimes it help me to fall asleep and to be honest, that makes me feel better. Who knows when we will see a long lost buddy and when it happened we will never be prepared. 

I mostly cried at the scene when Adam woke up and she relive the memories of Oregon through the pictures on the wall. Questions build up that not even a single photo of them was there but mostly he doesn't care about it until when he was ready to leave, Mia is returning his first guitar that was auctioned years ago. Then he felt alive again after being so lost for the past years. Its crazy how one person can change us for good or bad either way, we carry that happy or sad baggage over the years until we find ourselves again or until we totally moved on. 

To be honest, I know for myself that I already moved on but I don't know why he's haunting me, why he's always on my mind when I read stuff like this. I know that I'm not looking for the person he was today but the one who I knew years ago. Major things changed and if people who knew that story may see me as a person who haven't moved on for 7 fucking years. I don't know what I need for me to drop this baggage on the cliff maybe if I know I already dropped this years ago. Someone maybe? But dang I'm sure that there is no 'someone' new around me. Maybe I'm always on the wrong place at the wrong time. When and where the perfect time then?

Mia and Adam reunited that day it will always be the best high light of their lives and once and for all, they never live with lies again. Even hate was there, love still wins. 

I know I don't make sense but what Adam felt in the whole book, that was me for the past years. Sometimes its hard not to think about it but at the end of the day, we live without each other for years now and speaking of the present time, I was just a best friend. No big deal. 

After reading 'Where She Went' I can't decide if I'm still excited to watch the upcoming movie because at some point, it doesn't make sense without Adam's point of view or maybe it will just be a huge cliff hanger ending without showing what happened years later. 

I'm considering of re-reading both and maybe I will not move on until the movie is out. 

"Someone always watch us from a distance" - AEivrynRV

UAAP S77 . 1-0

Throwback Thursday . lol 

The opening ceremony may not be the best for you but best or not that chills that I felt while watching was the best because one of my favorite season is officially open.

1st game was UE vs UP and I'm so surprised about the performance of UE. UP on the other hand is being so clumsy all the way. (If this is like an open letter then be it) They will be a hard contender for this season and UE will be facing UST on Wednesday (July 16, 2014). Though we still need to see the performance of other teams that will play later today (July 13, 2014).

Moving to the 2nd game, as what I always say this new season is bitter sweet for me. Its hard not to find RR Garcia and Terrence Romeo on the court but winning our first game against the defending champion was so sweet and it makes my heart so happy. No offense but I'm super happy about this win because we don't really know what to expect in this season without TR and RR. So the win yesterday proves something that even with the key losses / the scorers of the FEU there is still this team that is willing to do everything just to get a W in every game. Team work was the answer and I'm happy that it just took 2 quarters for them to adjust and winning against La Salle was a good start for this and maybe a bonus? Naah. I witnessed the game live so I know that they really played well too and this game maybe the eye opener for them which is somehow scary because they will have a revenge on whoever they will face next and let's expect another kind of face off by 2nd round.

"Loyalty to feelings is important" - If I Stay | Gayle Forman

Book . If I Stay

If I Stay by Gayle Forman

official poster for the movie

This book was full of life realization. At first I thought I'll have an ugly-cry moment but it didn't happen but I shred a few tears on some parts.

If you haven't read the book then I advise you to stop from this part now because I'm not sure if I will not spill some spoiler.

~

The whole book covered just a 24 hours event in the life of Mia with a lot of things changed in a day hell, even in just an hour. I can't imagine when all you want is to spend a free day with family and friends then in just a snap your whole life changed. She lost her parents and her only brother Teddy in a car accident and here she is can't figure it out on what is happening and the only thing that she was aware was she lost her family.

The major question that was thrown out on our way is 'Will you stay or will you go? ; will you continue to fight or just give up?' If you are Mia what will you do?

Not everyone will have a Gran and a Gramps who will still be there for you and some family friend, aunts, uncles, cousin, best friend and even a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I guess if just like Mia where you still have them then you will choose to stay.

Not everyone was given a choice just like her. I saw people die in just a snap and they weren't lucky to survive the way to the hospital. My dad died because of heart attack and I know he don't like that it happened that day. I think if he will be given a choice he will choose to stay then I guess he doesn't have choice.

When I was reading the book one thing hit me was, what if it happened to me? Not that I want to be involve in a car accident but what if I was 50/50 in a hospital bed and I was given a chance to choose?  And while I was given a time to decide I got to see my family and friends in a different way but at the first place, some of my close friends are not from nearby who will tell them? Will they visit me immediately? Will some not-so-close people care on what was my current situation? Will my ex-friends give a damn about me? Haha. Probably my e-mail notification on Facebook and Twitter will blow up because of their mention or on the wall post of never ending 'get well soon' /  'be strong' / 'don't give up' and that will be the most insane thing ever. One day they don't care and the next they care for you so much. Not everyone will care so much not until something will happen to you. Reality check, that what people do on other people's social networking sites.

But just like Mia, the hardest part will be deciding whether to stay or not.

Not everyone have someone like Adam who will make sure that he can see her immediately even he's not a family member or even its over visiting hours. Adam, who majority pull the strings when Mia decided to stay.

The book is so simple compared to the other books that made it to the big screen so I think there's a minimal chance that I'll hate the movie unless they changed something big. It is not as complicated as The Fault In Our Stars where we expected to hear some lines that was recited out loud by Gus and Hazel.

I recommend the book its just a day scenario but it was a different approach. I think somehow we need a book like this so we will not take every thing for granted.

I'll watch the movie but of course I know that it will be different than the book. Well, other people can appreciate it better in visual than reading.

I'll read 'Where She Went' later and it's a bout what happen after Mia decided to stay years ago. Here my friend is not what you will see in the movie unless there will be an epilogue in the upcoming movie and the ending will not just when Mia squeezed Adam's hand and Adam said 'Mia?'. That cut was good in the book but definitely not in a movie unless they will do a movie for 'Where She Went'. 

here's the official trailer for the movie 

here's a prologue

"Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you" - If I Stay | Gayle Forman

Californila . CD | Stickers | Posters | Frames

When I discovered last year that the cd of the foreign artists that was being sold here in the Philippines are pretty much just Made in the Philippines, I told myself that I will never buy cd of foreign artists here unless I'll buy a local album and soon because I'm planning to buy the album of Cheats.  

I think that's why sometimes, the CD is in different color (like the 'Paramore' cd was supposed to be black but I got a white one) or the booklet isn't nicely printed. I don't have anything against it because the quality of the music is pretty much the same its just that there will always be a difference from what is locally made and they even sell it at the same price from iTunes or from the music store in the US.

Mid May I placed an order for the Candy Hearts bundle since it was still a pre-order.

June 15, 2014 - Californila just emailed me that my Candy Hearts bundle already arrived but they already emailed me the digital download of 'All The Ways You Let Me Down' on bandcamp (geez. I really didn't know that there will be a digital download). Also, my Charlavail sticker is not yet there, I already emailed Vail on when will be the next shipment since she went out of town to see her mom. The first sticker that was shipped was lost so I got a replacement. Well, hopefully the one who got that sticker will stick that somewhere so the positive vibes will be spreading like nutella.

June 23rd - my Candy Hearts cd arrived!!! I was actually surprised. :D 

I think this is my first CD from the US because pretty much I just buy here and this is the first time that I bought a bundle! And yes, I can now buy a bundle from those official website of the artist without worrying about the shipping process and also lining up on the music store here. I haven't open the cd because I got a digital download with a pdf file with the lyrics.

July 1st - my Positive Vibes sticker arrived in their US address! :)) 

July 4th - I placed another order. Haha. 

July 17th - package arrived. 

Omg this is so freaking fast.

Here's a picture of the cd and the stickers the Candy Hearts sticker was an additional order and Bridge 9 is so generous to send me this free CD and a free poster. (The Candy Hearts poster and shirt as well as the free poster was not in the picture because I haven't buy frames for it). 

I already wore the shirt last week :)

~

When I bought my Dr. Martens last December, there's an additional order with that and I didn't mentioned it here because I'm patiently looking for a frame that will hold the posters.The posters was a photograph of Paramore taken by Sam Desantis and it arrived January and since then I was looking for the perfect frame that's 11x17 but I can't find one. There's a 12x16 in a bookstore that cost almost $7 each but that will not be a perfect fit and then I found a 11x17 locally that cost $10 each not included the shipping fee and I need 3 frames! I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I can find one in the states and the frames were my order last July 4th. The frames that I ordered cost $12 for 3 frames at Walmart I just spend $20 for everything including the shipping fee straight to my house. Do the math.

I still have a few posters to be framed and I think I'll buy the frames next time. I know I will never find the right size here and I will never waste time again looking for the right size in the mall because the other posters were 12x18 and 18x24 and I already found the same frames that I ordered on Walmart and I just need a budget and everything will be okay. If this posters waited months to be framed then the others can wait too. Not to mention that my 18x24 posters are with me now for years. I think a little more waiting game will not hurt.

I just need to figure out on which side of my room to hang this. 

Again, Thank you Californila and I think its safe to say thank you specifically to Jane who arranged my orders. Thank you so much and I hope you will never stop doing this kind of business because its amazing. Thank you and till next time! :)

Seriously, what are you waiting? Don't waste time roaming around the mall go online and shop in the US via Californila! 

Californila

Ain't it fun 

Living in the real world

Collide

I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe I'm still lost looking for myself or I just really feel so lonely. The exact same date last year, I was so broken, I was crashed to tiny bits of ice but a song saved me and I know from that day I should be stronger and I should save my own ass no matter what. Selfish? Maybe but who will save our own? No one will save us from a current situation than our own selves. 

Some of the people I'm following on twitter lost a friend today and when I read the past tweets of that guy, I hope people who knew him should do some action. I feel sorry for the guy, he has a decent job, lots of friends, some people are looking up to him but he end his own life.

How sad that people can do that. I mean we all have our problems and we have that because we can make through it (that's what I'm holding on when I think I shouldn't be suffering from all of the problems). Unfortunately, some people can't really handle the pressure in life, the stressful people who don't give a damn on what we feel, the selfish surroundings we have but at some point I know that ending our own life is a bad thing. There are times that I want to do it too like jump off on a 30th floor of a building, cut my wrist, drink too much meds or better if you drink 'liquid sosa', drive off the river or crash the car somewhere hard, drive off on the cliff, drown myself on the ocean, jump off on an airplane, name it but I love myself so much that I don't know how to hurt myself unless I decided to get a tattoo. Sometimes, I'm too hurt that I just want to cry on my bed and my pillows are the one who comfort me with all the shits. The reason why most of the time I ask for a 'reality check' because sometimes I don't know what to do anymore and over thinking is killing me. And even the music or quotes and movies are somehow worthless because it doesn't save you at this moment. 

Sometimes, I just lost myself in a book where everything was written perfectly, where you can see a beautiful ending after a few page of disaster. Still, at the end I come back to reality where it was way too far from what I read, too far from the happiness they have. Sucks that I feel so alone most of the time. Sucks that I'm single that everyone is pressuring me to get a boyfriend and get married that I don't know if the half of myself or the other half of my heart is still out there or maybe he died on an accident that I never knew or he was with someone else and he's happy now. I don't fucking know but sometimes I know why I'm still living the single-hood but still !!! Moments like this is killing me. Maybe fix marriage are still good sometimes. Haha. But maybe not at all. Can I just have lots of money so I can travel the world live somewhere else then be a band crew? So that I can travel and be in the music industry or anything different but then the pros and cons of life is hitting me. 

I know I'm still lucky than the others but sometimes the emotional suffering is very difficult to handle. You know what are my remedy to this kind of day? Go out somewhere a little bit far from your daily routine. Eat a deadly chocolate cake, drink coffee or tea, if you have a fucking car then drive! Have a little road trip (I'll do this if I have permission to bring a vehicle and btw I have a license to drive), sleep and have a staycation on your bed, stress eating is somehow my favorite too, workout because you will now focus on your breathing on your goal to finish a specific time, stay out of facebook where people update their fucking accounts with their happy life, go to the beach, go somewhere you can do photography (I badly want to do this), put one song on repeat that will make you realize stuff or a jam that will give you so much strength that you want to punch someone in the face and name some things that you want to do without interacting to someone. Have some alone time screw whatever they want to say just have your own time and then deal with reality after hours of being alone.  

To be honest, the thing that makes me escape for a little while will be having a road trip. Since I don't have a personal permission to drive, I can't do that yet and go somewhere and photograph a beautiful scenery or just the sunset; watch a basketball game; I do stress eating by eating junk foods; I still cry; I listen to music; I plan what will be my next tattoo; I daydream some things; I go to concert to be lost but I don't do that lately, write a super long rant on my phone, I shop so I'll be broken and still I am. Haha. Stay a few hours at church because I think it makes me feel safe. But I think the latest will be chopping some length then do some hair dye-ary then a new tattoo after a few months? Hahaha (I'm planning!!!) 

I don't know if I'll publish this but if you reading this then. Hi! Don't do something that you will regret later. :)

There I feel better now than earlier and my seizure for this day is over. (almost 3AM) July 06, 2014

Even best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seems to rhyme. 

Two Weeks Ago . Scales

Today is June 24, 2014 its 1AM and my 3rd tattoo is now 5 months old. Yesterday, I got my 4th tattoo and it was a mermaid scale. Why mermaid scale? Because I think I was a mermaid before life. I was enrolled in a swimming class way back in high school and I loved it. I just hate the competitions and stuff but doing it as a hobby is a good thing. Unfortunately, I stopped because of school and then there's college but I love the water and I'm still wishing we have a pool where I can do laps whenever I want.

I also love the beach but being tanned after is a different story. Haha. I also love under the sea, the sea creatures, my favorite Disney princess is Ariel and I do believe that once there was a real mermaid (my grandmother can confirmed that because she said that in the river near their house, there will be a beautiful voice at night).

For a very long time, I was thinking what to cover a birthmark that I was trying to hide ever since and while I was searching for a mermaid tattoo I saw scale tattoos. I didn't knew about that but there it was under #mermaidtattoo and then I google to see more. Before I was just thinking of putting a feather in there without any reason I just want to cover it but the scale tattoo changed my mind.

This was the only tattoo that I asked permission to my mom but she doesn't approved it of course but still I want it. No, I need it for self satisfaction because let's admit it people judge other people and I'm sick of other comments when it comes to that and it hurt my feelings and ever since I open myself to tattoos I know I'll put one in there. I know it stays there but knowing that it have a mermaid scale now doesn't bothered me much unlike before that even I was wearing a skirt people may see it and people may judge. Haaa. Even some close to me judge that part of me and it hurts so bad! Now the only thing hurt was the healing because I can't figure out how will I sit in there to pee! Haha.

After all of the tattoos now I can tell which one hurts so bad and yes this was it and before people ask me if it hurts my always answer was 'No' but ask me now I'll answer 'Super!!!'. It may take a year now or so before crossing out some on my bucket list again. Haha. Pao also noticed why I wasn't screaming or saying ouch the whole time because he said it hurts so bad for him if he's getting one maybe because I really need some reality check that I'm silently appreciating the pain and it hurt so bad but I think it was bearable. 

This will take some weeks to healing and a little sacrifice is not bad at all. 

Thank you Igin and Pao! So good to see the improvement of Pao ever since I first saw him back in January.

I'm now a mermaid. What's up? Haha.

I can't say it will be the last because tattoos are so addicting and you will not stop after getting one. Now, I really need to figure out how to pee.

It was an intoxicating experience but back thigh tattoo - ✓

Current day: Two weeks and there's still a few parts that are peeling off so I think it should be good for the next days and probably I can wear jeans now because my skirt collection was good for 2 weeks. Moreover, I can now pee and sit just like the old days. HAHA

I'm now obsess with thigh tattoos. ;) 

Pico de Loro

It was a last minute decision to come with my aunt and uncle so I rush packing. Everything was mostly rushed but we survive our decision to escape this little town and go to paradise.

It was a very long drive if you took Cavite than Tagaytay. So we prefer taking Tagaytay road than the other way. Why? Because we tried both ways, we took Cavite on our way there then we decided to take Tagaytay on our way home though there's beautiful scenery on your way down after the tunnel (Cavite route). I don't know maybe because we came from the east that's why it seems too far. I therefore conclude that if you are near MOA then took Cavitex if you're near Tagaytay then choose the other way. I really prefer Tagaytay just because I love it too. Haha

Wherever you're from I advice you leave early so you'll be there by 8:00 or 9:00. From Tagaytay it was just 1 hour or less because we left at 12:45 and we arrive at Tagaytay before 14:00. When on our way there, we left Angono by 9:00 and we arrived at 14:00 (there was a moment when our driver had wrong turns but that doesn't eat up the hours) I think the time travel talk is enough. Haha.

My aunt was the one who arranged everything so I have no idea how can I give you pointers except the time travel. Haha. Oh and bring foods!

We stayed in a condo so pretty much its more comfortable that staying in a hotel (?) For me at least, it was. Even the condo was not yet finished with all the appliances and stuff, though it feel like it was already but the TV was the missing piece because the technician didn't arrive but its also good so we can talk and play with the kids and no internet. Haha. I bet even its summer SUN don't have access in there. :D

When we arrived it was already 2pm and we're hungry so we eat first then steal a little rest and we fixed our registration almost past 17:00. Registration is needed if everyone wants to swim on the beach or on the pool area ₱1,000.00 ($23) for 12 years old and up while its ₱300.00 ($7) for 4-11years old, its free for infant to 3 years old (and that's valid for your whole stay as long as you wear your wrist band). The rest of activities have different price range and its pretty expensive (all transaction was in cash card where you will load it up so you can buy or use other facilities) and there's a difference if you're a member or a guest. (I don't know if there are different rates every peak season and off).

The beach is from 6:00 to 18:00 only (maybe because its too dark in the area) while the pool is from 7:00 to 22:00 but some of the activities are up to midnight or 24hrs open.

I would love to spend a whole week there but it will be super expensive. Haha. It was a really nice place to escape once in a while. I asked Nikka and Gem if they're free but they're not so I decided to ask my niece and nephew. Of course it will be a different experience if a friend was my company. 

I was always (of course) the one behind the camera and if I'm in the picture there's only a minimal chance that I approved that shot. Haha. Enjoy some of my photos and if you want to view more you can check here.

It was also a bad choice of date because I was just loaded with work a day before leaving so pretty much I was tired the next day but I assured that everything was done before leaving. Next time. :)

Can't wait to go back :))