Collide

I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe I'm still lost looking for myself or I just really feel so lonely. The exact same date last year, I was so broken, I was crashed to tiny bits of ice but a song saved me and I know from that day I should be stronger and I should save my own ass no matter what. Selfish? Maybe but who will save our own? No one will save us from a current situation than our own selves. 

Some of the people I'm following on twitter lost a friend today and when I read the past tweets of that guy, I hope people who knew him should do some action. I feel sorry for the guy, he has a decent job, lots of friends, some people are looking up to him but he end his own life.

How sad that people can do that. I mean we all have our problems and we have that because we can make through it (that's what I'm holding on when I think I shouldn't be suffering from all of the problems). Unfortunately, some people can't really handle the pressure in life, the stressful people who don't give a damn on what we feel, the selfish surroundings we have but at some point I know that ending our own life is a bad thing. There are times that I want to do it too like jump off on a 30th floor of a building, cut my wrist, drink too much meds or better if you drink 'liquid sosa', drive off the river or crash the car somewhere hard, drive off on the cliff, drown myself on the ocean, jump off on an airplane, name it but I love myself so much that I don't know how to hurt myself unless I decided to get a tattoo. Sometimes, I'm too hurt that I just want to cry on my bed and my pillows are the one who comfort me with all the shits. The reason why most of the time I ask for a 'reality check' because sometimes I don't know what to do anymore and over thinking is killing me. And even the music or quotes and movies are somehow worthless because it doesn't save you at this moment. 

Sometimes, I just lost myself in a book where everything was written perfectly, where you can see a beautiful ending after a few page of disaster. Still, at the end I come back to reality where it was way too far from what I read, too far from the happiness they have. Sucks that I feel so alone most of the time. Sucks that I'm single that everyone is pressuring me to get a boyfriend and get married that I don't know if the half of myself or the other half of my heart is still out there or maybe he died on an accident that I never knew or he was with someone else and he's happy now. I don't fucking know but sometimes I know why I'm still living the single-hood but still !!! Moments like this is killing me. Maybe fix marriage are still good sometimes. Haha. But maybe not at all. Can I just have lots of money so I can travel the world live somewhere else then be a band crew? So that I can travel and be in the music industry or anything different but then the pros and cons of life is hitting me. 

I know I'm still lucky than the others but sometimes the emotional suffering is very difficult to handle. You know what are my remedy to this kind of day? Go out somewhere a little bit far from your daily routine. Eat a deadly chocolate cake, drink coffee or tea, if you have a fucking car then drive! Have a little road trip (I'll do this if I have permission to bring a vehicle and btw I have a license to drive), sleep and have a staycation on your bed, stress eating is somehow my favorite too, workout because you will now focus on your breathing on your goal to finish a specific time, stay out of facebook where people update their fucking accounts with their happy life, go to the beach, go somewhere you can do photography (I badly want to do this), put one song on repeat that will make you realize stuff or a jam that will give you so much strength that you want to punch someone in the face and name some things that you want to do without interacting to someone. Have some alone time screw whatever they want to say just have your own time and then deal with reality after hours of being alone.  

To be honest, the thing that makes me escape for a little while will be having a road trip. Since I don't have a personal permission to drive, I can't do that yet and go somewhere and photograph a beautiful scenery or just the sunset; watch a basketball game; I do stress eating by eating junk foods; I still cry; I listen to music; I plan what will be my next tattoo; I daydream some things; I go to concert to be lost but I don't do that lately, write a super long rant on my phone, I shop so I'll be broken and still I am. Haha. Stay a few hours at church because I think it makes me feel safe. But I think the latest will be chopping some length then do some hair dye-ary then a new tattoo after a few months? Hahaha (I'm planning!!!) 

I don't know if I'll publish this but if you reading this then. Hi! Don't do something that you will regret later. :)

There I feel better now than earlier and my seizure for this day is over. (almost 3AM) July 06, 2014

Even best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seems to rhyme.