Am I?

I was trying to write something earlier about self-worth / self-care but I can't construct it properly. I was asking myself why I can't do it I figure maybe I was just hungry.

Later today, one person asked me if I'm scared and then it hit me.

I can't totally write something about self-worth if I'm emotionally unstable. I've been saying it since mid-September and I honestly don't know what was the trigger.

Am I scared?

I'm not but I'm scared that I might breakdown for real once he strike again.

It's different now than me just asking if I'm worthy. It's more than that, I feel burned out for the first time. I can tell this is different from before.

I honestly don't know how to pickup my self.

Should I hangout with friends? Should I talk to them? Should I just watched series or YouTube videos to be inspired again? Listen to some music out loud? Or I'm just waiting for some people to make effort? Which is which, I don't know.

Being tired physically is easy but being emotionally tired is not. It's easy to fake that you are not hurting but it's hard to fake a smile when you are not genuinely happy inside.

Do I want to have an alone time outside town or just stay here? Which will help? I don't know.

Too much demand from society and I can't handle all of it. I'm sticking to the routine because it's easier.

I started to play once again on my iPad and it's somehow helping since I can think while switching candies but it's eating up time.

For now, I hope releasing this will lessen the unstable feeling.

- 10.11.18


3 weeks on my drafts and I haven't publish this yet and somehow related to this, I was so anxious for the whole day that I don't know why. Anxiety is killing me in a way that I can't function properly, my mind is somewhere else that I'm so close on having panic attack for no apparent reason.

Is being scared the same as having a trauma? Are they related to each other?

I already violated rules by trusting my guts and at the same time protecting the bigger crowd. It is not easy to understand but that is the reason why I'm avoiding it. I'm protecting people and maybe preventing some shit to happen.

This anxiety will never leave me. I prefer doing and moving than dealing with other people and this one is somehow an obligation that I can't avoid.

Do we really need to suffer all of the consequences of your action while you just seat there like nothing happened? Do we really need to adjust because your jealous ass is burning up?

We all want to explain our side to make you understand but your mind is close with gazillion locks that you throw the key in the open sea. So no need to explain and waste energy for someone who will never dare to listen.

I'm tired with all these drama that we are dealing for the last 5 years or so and even you will apologize for the nth time, no one will ever believe. You almost got me the last time but, no thanks.

I wonder when this will end. You have no idea and neither do I on how I was able to hold up and function for the said years. Takes a lot of courage, to be honest.

Day time nightmare is still real.

I am exhausted.

This anxiety will kill me.

The trauma is another story.

And still some people will never learn.

Random . October 2018

Bye Palawan. Till next time. 

Going home from an out-of-town trip feels better now than before. 

Whoa. It's been a year! Good job, self. 

When a daydream crash in front of me. :(

Missing my guy way too much. 

Might stick to yellow for the rest of the year. 

Need to off my notification for sanity sake. 

How can Paul write songs without being redundant. #MalibuNights

Even I badly want to, I think I'll let go the idea. #sad 

No one can ruin my surprises. And it's quite a success. You're welcome.

This guy beside me is so lost. 

Eavesdropping about basketball. Suddenly I'm missing the scene. 

I really hate the mall during weekends. 

Yay! We won! I'm going back slowly to basketball scene. Lol

Where did the weekend go?

Emotionally torturing myself. 

This month is so strange  

Down time and I badly want to write something but it's so cluttered. / Now that I have this new topic but I don't know how to arrange it. 

Feels good to not depend on social media while waiting for hours. 

I need some silence today. 

Whoa. What did just happened over the last two days? 

I did just hit literally the most rock bottom of life. 

Please, no. #21 101418

I'm so done with Malibu Nights. Time to play Trench. 

Done with all romantic shit. Music. Movies. Series. 

After Laughter is my safety blanket. 

For the first time, it's hard to reread that specific conversation. #21

When all of my daydreams crashes. 

After emotional issues, it's about mental now. #life

I need new tattoos. 

Social investment. 

2nd round schedule is better. Should we watch na? Hehe #UAAP

Defense mechanism is out. Slowly building back my walls. 

I never learn. Always giving too much. 

It's 2015 all over again. 

Inhale. Exhale. I will be okay. 

Every morning, I'm okay. Every night, I feel shit. 

Can some people be just human and stop the political shit?

Room revamp. Done. Though I still want drastic change but this will do for now. 1019

Hey. Guess what, I'm not surprised you're back. 

The disadvantage of being over protective. 

Might be the most awkward night. Lol 

How come this is a freaking reunion? Hahaha. 

I'm so drunk! 

Adults being kids. Again. Smh. 

Practicality over wants. 

Another night just questioning life decisions. 

Humanity. 

Distracting myself and just procrastinating by going back on playing Candy Crush. 

Here we go with your posts. Not sorry for no one wants to talk what more to listen to your bullsht. 

This month is so strange I want to end it already. 

When people don't see it, they don't appreciate it. 

Love and hate relationship with paperworks. 

As much as I love November and December, I think I will just let it be a normal one. #sadtruth

On Repeat . U & I

U & I by Caleb Hawley

VS 1
Don’t you want somebody to love when you’re lonely?
Don’t you want somebody to lighten your load?
Don’t you want somebody to think of you when you’re away?
Don’t you want somebody, somebody like me
Don’t you want somebody to make you your breakfast?
Talkin over coffee in the living room
Don’t you want somebody to watch all your favorite shows with baby?
Don’t you want somebody, somebody like me

PC
And as the world keeps spinnin
We’ll keep livin
By each others side until we
Pass on through this life it’s u&i
U&I
Until we pass on through this life it’s u&I

CH
U & I, U & I
U & I, U & I

VS 2
Don’t you want somebody to figure you out
Finishing your words before they leave your mouth
Somebody to hold you tight at the end of the day
Don’t you want somebody, somebody like me

PC

And as the world keeps spinnin
We’ll keep livin
By each others side until we
Pass on through this life it’s u&i
U&I
Until we pass on through this life it’s u&I

CH
U & I, U & I
U & I, U & I

On Repeat . Trench

Waited for this record for a while and when it was released together with Malibu Nights, I have to let go of one so I can listen to the other. weird

I actually can't listen to this first. I was already invested my time on listening to song released song of LANY from Malibu Nights and I want my ears to be sick about the album before moving on to Trench since I know, I'll listen to it non-stop. Well I have to memorize and indulge on every word of this album.

One Sunday where I decided that I'm so done with LANY or any sad love song just for a reason my overthinking-self is torturing me. I stopped listening to it then listen to After Laughter for a while then the next day, I started to listen to Trench.

I want to feel angry with the world and I expected something like super angry song from this album and I was disappointed at first but its slowly growing in me right now. It's not as angry as the previous album but there's still something, you know. 

I'm listening to it for 10 days now and I'm loving it more. I need The Bandito Tour, fyi.

No specific favorite but Chlorine, Levitate and Neon Gravestones is like my new Car Radio, Migraine and Holding On To You. Would love to memorize all these words.

Since I can't always pick a favorite, here are my favorite lines. 

Jumpsuit - Jumpsuit, jumpsuit cover me

Levitate - You can levitate with just a little help

Morph - I'll morph to someone else | Defense mechanism mode

My Blood - Stay with me, no, you don't need to run | Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run

Chlorine - Hide you in my coat pocket, where I kept my rebel red

Smithereens - You know I had to do one on the record for her like this

Neon Gravestones - Neon gravestones try to call

The Hype - No, I don't know which way I'm going | But I can hear my way around

Nico And The Niners - Save your razorblades now, not yet

Cut My Lip - Though I am bruised | Face of contusions | Know I'll keep moving | Know I'll keep moving

Bandito - I could take the high road | But I know that I'm going low | I'm a ban-I'm a bandito

Pet Cheetah - No, I move slow | I want to stop time | I'll sit here 'til I find the problem

Legend - You were one of those classic ones

Leave The City - In time, I will leave the city | For now, I will stay alive

I love this album with all these words, voice of Tyler and of course the beat of drums by Josh and all the instruments as well as the sound of a Vulture. EPIC. 

This will be on repeat for a long while. 

Last year

I needed change of pace
Couldn't take the pace of change
Moving hastily
But this year
Though I'm far from home
In TRENCH I'm not alone
These faces facing me

They know
They know
What I mean

On Repeat . Malibu Nights

I love this album.

I know its cliche but seriously how can you not hate this?

First, this is obviously a product of a heartbreak which we are all familiar with. Personally, I do try to write for personal purposes only but I asked myself "How can Paul write such songs and somehow doesn't sound so redundant?".

As a follow up to their self-titled, this album doesn't disappoint. 

Currently, I don't relate to the heartbreak part but on each song I do have a favorite (as usual) 

1. Thick And Thin - Said you'd be there for me through everything | Said that you'd have my back with anything

2. Taking Me Back - So baby won't you slow down | This can make or break us

3. If You See Her - I know I'm not perfect but we were

4. I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore - Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute | But I can't bring myself to call

5. Let Me Know - Let me know if there's something I can do to fix it | Let me know if you ever change, if you ever change, your mind

6. Run - Just make sure you don't run back to me when you're done

7. Valentine's Day - No matter what I tell myself | She's not as good, she's not as good | She's not as good as you, no

8. Thru These Tears - Control my thoughts | Convincing myself it's your loss

9. Malibu Nights -  Every thought when it gets late | Puts me in a fragile state

My favorite and my mood for the past week was Malibu Nights. Every word is too much. 

These songs can make you feel sad but in a good way. 

Paul, in every song I felt your words. 

Congrats LANY. Hope to see you again soon!!!

is it weird for me to say i want my voice to feel like home

— paul klein (@pauljasonklein) October 10, 2018

Your voice is not the only home in this album, it's also the words you wrote.

I drive circles under street lights
Nothing seems to clear my mind
I can't forget, get this out my head so
I drive chasing Malibu nights
Nothing seems to heal my mind
I can't forget

On Repeat . Thru These Tears (Live at Conway)

Thru These Tears by LANY

This hurts like hell

But I keep telling myself

It's gonna get better

But it's taking forever

I tried to go out

But every time I leave the house

Something reminds me

Of what's now behind me

Everyday I let go

Just a little bit more

In the end I'm gonna be alright

But it might take a hundred sleepless nights

To make the memories of you disappear

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

Control my thoughts

Convincing myself it's your loss

I really mean it

And I'm starting to believe it

'Cause everyday I let go

Just a little bit more

In the end I'm gonna be alright

But it might take a hundred sleepless nights

To make the memories of you disappear

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

Out of sight but you're not out of my mind

So it might take somebody else at night

To make it feel like you were never here

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

You said it was over

But when we got closer

You cried on my shoulder

Goodbye

In the end I'm gonna be alright

But it might take a hundred sleepless nights

To make the memories of you disappear

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

Out of sight but you're not out of my mind

So it might take somebody else at night

To make it feel like you were never here

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

Driving home on an empty highway

I thought about you and I hit the brakes

What we had and who we were was so clear

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

On Repeat . I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore (Live at Conway)

I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore by LANY

I used to love these sheets

Dark hair against the white

I missed watching you get dressed in our hazy bedroom light

It took a couple weeks

Last night I finally cried

I remembered us in London, your chocolate covered eyes

Sick of staring up at the ceiling

How'd you change your mind just like that?

The only way to get past this feeling

Is to tell myself you're not coming back

I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore

From the start, I never thought, I'd say this before

But I don't wanna love you anymore

You got that letter framed

Is it still up on that shelf?

It's the one I left on our bed

When you were out of town

Sick of staring up at the ceiling

How'd you change your mind just like that?

The only way to get past this feeling

Is to tell myself you're not coming back

I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore

From the start, I never thought, I'd say this before

But I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore

I can't forget, the way it felt, when you walked out the door

So I don't wanna love you anymore

Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute

But I can't bring myself to call

Because I know that your heart's not really in it

And whatever we had is gone

Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute

But I can't bring myself to call

Because I know that your heart's not really in it

And whatever we had is gone

I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore

From the start, I never thought, I'd say this before

But I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore (talk for a minute)

I don't wanna love you anymore

I can't forget, the way it felt, when you walked out the door

So I don't wanna love you anymore