Am I?

I was trying to write something earlier about self-worth / self-care but I can't construct it properly. I was asking myself why I can't do it I figure maybe I was just hungry.

Later today, one person asked me if I'm scared and then it hit me.

I can't totally write something about self-worth if I'm emotionally unstable. I've been saying it since mid-September and I honestly don't know what was the trigger.

Am I scared?

I'm not but I'm scared that I might breakdown for real once he strike again.

It's different now than me just asking if I'm worthy. It's more than that, I feel burned out for the first time. I can tell this is different from before.

I honestly don't know how to pickup my self.

Should I hangout with friends? Should I talk to them? Should I just watched series or YouTube videos to be inspired again? Listen to some music out loud? Or I'm just waiting for some people to make effort? Which is which, I don't know.

Being tired physically is easy but being emotionally tired is not. It's easy to fake that you are not hurting but it's hard to fake a smile when you are not genuinely happy inside.

Do I want to have an alone time outside town or just stay here? Which will help? I don't know.

Too much demand from society and I can't handle all of it. I'm sticking to the routine because it's easier.

I started to play once again on my iPad and it's somehow helping since I can think while switching candies but it's eating up time.

For now, I hope releasing this will lessen the unstable feeling.

- 10.11.18


3 weeks on my drafts and I haven't publish this yet and somehow related to this, I was so anxious for the whole day that I don't know why. Anxiety is killing me in a way that I can't function properly, my mind is somewhere else that I'm so close on having panic attack for no apparent reason.

Is being scared the same as having a trauma? Are they related to each other?

I already violated rules by trusting my guts and at the same time protecting the bigger crowd. It is not easy to understand but that is the reason why I'm avoiding it. I'm protecting people and maybe preventing some shit to happen.

This anxiety will never leave me. I prefer doing and moving than dealing with other people and this one is somehow an obligation that I can't avoid.

Do we really need to suffer all of the consequences of your action while you just seat there like nothing happened? Do we really need to adjust because your jealous ass is burning up?

We all want to explain our side to make you understand but your mind is close with gazillion locks that you throw the key in the open sea. So no need to explain and waste energy for someone who will never dare to listen.

I'm tired with all these drama that we are dealing for the last 5 years or so and even you will apologize for the nth time, no one will ever believe. You almost got me the last time but, no thanks.

I wonder when this will end. You have no idea and neither do I on how I was able to hold up and function for the said years. Takes a lot of courage, to be honest.

Day time nightmare is still real.

I am exhausted.

This anxiety will kill me.

The trauma is another story.

And still some people will never learn.