Random . November 2018

Time with cousins. 

Planning my future tattoos will keep me sane for the rest of my lifetime. 

Thank you. #21

What long weekend? 

Another reunion with friends. 

As much as I think that I'm trapped in here, I just realized that I'm really not. 

Good thing I decided to leave when I went to college. 

Grow up. 

Trying not to buy some unnecessary stuff ever since last month. It's been a real challenge. 

Happy birthday, daddy. 

Wtf. Hahaha long time no see, ex-bff first love. Lol

Another day that I tapped myself at the back and assuring that I'm really my father's daughter. 

I smell comparison on the coming weeks. 

People will not fully understand how life works. Oh yeah, they don't have a fucking idea about it. 

Been invisible for so long. I'm not expecting to be visible now. 

The system isn't perfect don't act like it is. 

Happy birthday, sissy. 

This 11.11 is making me anxious. / Yay! For straight 3 years, I was able to have a good deal during 11.11. 

The system is the main reason why. 

Defense mechanism or not stop the bullsht. 

When things are okay, people don't care. When things are complicated, people will show up to make you confused. 

This is rude but I'm somehow thankful that we weren't exposed to that side. 

Happy Fiesta, hometown. 

Been a while since I went out of town for leisure. 

Will I regret going to the mall on a weekend? Surprise. I didn't regret it. 

Oh well. That was a good run, FEU. See you next season. 

Goal achieved: no UAAP basketball ticket for this season. 

This is one reason why I didn't pursue the medical field. 

I was in Nashville for a brief moment watching Hayley to finally get a hair dye once again. 1127 

Not feeling good on a busy week. Hopefully I'll be okay in the morning.  

What if we ditch it? Lol.

I want to be nice to people but when they don't have common sense, oh fck. 

Thank you, November. You've been nice‎

On Repeat . 9 Crimes (Damien Rice cover [Live Lounge])

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I do

It's the wrong kind of place

To be thinking of you

It's the wrong time

For somebody new

It's a small crime

And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it's loaded

Is that alright?

If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it's loaded

Is that alright

Is that alright with you?

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I do

It's the wrong kind of place

To be cheating on you

It's the wrong time

But she's pulling me through

It's a small crime

And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it's loaded

Is that alright?

If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it's loaded

Is that alright

Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?

Is that alright?

Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?

Is that alright?

Is that alright with you?

No

On Repeat . Neon Gravestones (Live Lounge)

What's my problem?
Well, I want you to follow me down to the bottom
Underneath the insane asylum
Keep your wits about you while you got 'em
'Cause your wits are first to go while you're problem-solving
And my problem?
We glorify those, even more, when they
My opinion
Our culture can treat a loss
Like it's a win and right before we turn on them
We give them the highest of praise, and hang their banner from a ceiling
Communicating, further engraving
An earlier grave is an optional way
No

Neon gravestones try to call
(Neon gravestones try to call)
Neon gravestones try to call for my bones
(Neon gravestones try to call)
Call
(For my bones)
Call, call, call
Call
Call

What's my problem?
Don't get it twisted
It's with the people we praise who may have assisted
I could use the streams and extra conversations
I could give up, and boost up my reputation
I could go out with a bang
They would know my name
They would host and post a celebration
My opinion will not be lenient
My opinion, it's real convenient
Our words are loud, but now I'm talking action
We don't get enough love?
Well, they get a fraction
They say, "How could he go if he's got everything?"
I'll mourn for a kid, but won't cry for a king

Neon gravestones try to call
(Neon gravestones try to call)
Neon gravestones try to call for my bones
(Neon gravestones try to call)
Call
(For my bones)
Call, call, call
Call
Call

Promise me this
If I lose to myself
You won't mourn a day
And you'll move onto someone else
Promise me this
If I lose to myself
You won't mourn a day
And you'll move onto someone else

(Call)
(Call)

Neon gravestones try to call
(Neon gravestones try to call)
Neon gravestones try to call for my bones
(Call, call, call)
Neon gravestones try to call
(Neon gravestones try to call)
Neon gravestones try to call for my bones

But they won't get them
No, they won't get them
They won't get them
But they won't get them

Don't get me wrong
The rise in awareness
Is beating a stigma that no longer scares us
But for sake of discussion
In spirit of fairness
Could we give this some room for a new point of view?
And, could it be true that some could be tempted
To use this mistake as a form of aggression?
A form of succession?
A form of a weapon?
Thinking "I'll teach them"
Well, I'm refusing the lesson
It won't resonate in our minds
I'm not disrespecting what was left behind
Just pleading that "it" does not get glorified
Maybe we swap out what it is that we hold so high
Find your grandparents or someone of age
Pay some respects for the path that they paved
To life, they were dedicated
Now, that should be celebrated

On Repeat . My Blood (Live Lounge)

When everyone you thought you knew
Deserts your fight, I'll go with you
You're facin' down a dark hall
I'll grab my light and go with you

I'll go with you, I'll go with you
I'll go with you, I'll go with you
I'll go with you, I'll go with you
I'll go with you

Surrounded and up against a wall
I'll shred 'em all and go with you
When choices end, you must defend
I'll grab my bat and go with you

I'll go with you, I'll go with you
I'll go with you, yeah

Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run
Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run

If there comes a day
People posted up at the end of your driveway
They're callin' for your head and they're callin' for your name
I'll bomb down on 'em, I'm comin' through
Do they know I was grown with you?
If they're here to smoke, know I'll go with you
Just keep it outside, keep it outside, yeah

Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run
Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run

You don't need to run, you don't need to run
You don't need to run, you don't need to run

If you find yourself in a lion's den
I'll jump right in and pull my pin
And go with you

I'll go with you, I'll go with you
I'll go with you, I'll go with you (you don't need to run)
I'll go with you, I'll go with you (you don't need to run)
My blood, I'll go with you, yeah

Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run
Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run

You don't need to run, you don't need to run
You don't need to run, you don't need to run

Stay with me, no, you don't need to run
Stay with me, my blood

On Repeat . Ride (Live Lounge)

I just wanna stay in the sun where I find

I know it's hard sometimes

Pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mind

I know it's hard sometimes

Yeah, I think about the end just way too much

But it's fun to fantasize

All my enemies who wouldn't wish who I was

But it's fun to fantasize

Oh, oh

I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride

Oh, I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride

Taking my time on my ride

I'd die for you

That's easy to say

We have a list of people that we would take

A bullet for them

A bullet for you

A bullet for everybody in this room

But I don't seem to see many bullets coming through

See many bullets coming through

Metaphorically I'm the man

But literally I don't know what I'd do

I'd live for you

And that's hard to do

Even harder to say

When you know it's not true

Even harder to write

When you know that tonight

There are people back home which are talking to you

But then you ignore them still

All these questions they're forming like

Who would you live for?

Who would you die for?

And would you ever kill?

Oh, oh

I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride

Oh, oh

I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride

Taking my time on my ride

I've been thinking too much

I've been thinking too much

I've been thinking too much

I've been thinking too much

Help me

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)

I've been thinking too much (Help me)

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)

I've been thinking too much

Oh, oh

I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride

Oh, I'm falling so I'm taking my time

Taking my time on my ride

Oh, oh, I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride

Oh, I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my

I've been thinking too much (Help me)

I've been thinking too much (Help me)

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)

I've been thinking too much (Help me)

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)

Help me

Maturity

Is there any base for a person to say that he/she is matured enough?

Is maturity have different level? Or just general?

I think if you claim that you are matured you should be independent too and maybe you are nearly perfect.

We can be matured in one aspect but definitely no idea on how to handle some things.

The root of this was, a friend was ranting about someone who claims maturity and eventually by that person being matured, he feels like he left behind his partner because of it. bs, I know.

For us not to be at the same place, it doesn't mean that those on the first world country is matured enough than the ones at the third world country. Maybe the right term was advanced but let's be honest that certain people know how to face a specific problem than the others but that doesn't mean that the other was left behind.

Witnessed different people in life and even adults I can say that they're not matured enough.

So how come this person claiming maturity at such age?

We never stop learning. We never stop living.

Life doesn't stop when you experience one drastic change. It also doesn't stop when you have a daily routine for years.

Claiming maturity on relationship is very big deal.

At the first place, you should start not being selfish when entering a relationship.

I have a huge different outlook on relationship nowadays and that's for another but one thing, if you are not aware of your own self please do have a time for yourself first before committing to a relationship.

Self care is important.

Your own mental health is very important.

I don't think that I already wrote about the importance of self worth or just anything about ourselves.

How much do you care for yourself?

Obviously I care way too much about me that I only care on sharing much about what's in my head on this blog. This is literally an escape route to me from reality.

Self worth. Self care. Mental health.

It's too cliché when people say learn to love yourself first but it's so true.

I posted before about me talking to myself about stuff and it's one way of analyzing problems and also knowing yourself.

Life is not just about having friends. Yes they have value but the more important is knowing yourself.

Knowing yourself is very important for you to know what you like and what you don't like.

Maybe maturity have its on level that we are not aware of but one thing, claiming maturity is almost close on saying that you are perfect but hello reality, no one is perfect.

Am I?

I was trying to write something earlier about self-worth / self-care but I can't construct it properly. I was asking myself why I can't do it I figure maybe I was just hungry.

Later today, one person asked me if I'm scared and then it hit me.

I can't totally write something about self-worth if I'm emotionally unstable. I've been saying it since mid-September and I honestly don't know what was the trigger.

Am I scared?

I'm not but I'm scared that I might breakdown for real once he strike again.

It's different now than me just asking if I'm worthy. It's more than that, I feel burned out for the first time. I can tell this is different from before.

I honestly don't know how to pickup my self.

Should I hangout with friends? Should I talk to them? Should I just watched series or YouTube videos to be inspired again? Listen to some music out loud? Or I'm just waiting for some people to make effort? Which is which, I don't know.

Being tired physically is easy but being emotionally tired is not. It's easy to fake that you are not hurting but it's hard to fake a smile when you are not genuinely happy inside.

Do I want to have an alone time outside town or just stay here? Which will help? I don't know.

Too much demand from society and I can't handle all of it. I'm sticking to the routine because it's easier.

I started to play once again on my iPad and it's somehow helping since I can think while switching candies but it's eating up time.

For now, I hope releasing this will lessen the unstable feeling.

- 10.11.18


3 weeks on my drafts and I haven't publish this yet and somehow related to this, I was so anxious for the whole day that I don't know why. Anxiety is killing me in a way that I can't function properly, my mind is somewhere else that I'm so close on having panic attack for no apparent reason.

Is being scared the same as having a trauma? Are they related to each other?

I already violated rules by trusting my guts and at the same time protecting the bigger crowd. It is not easy to understand but that is the reason why I'm avoiding it. I'm protecting people and maybe preventing some shit to happen.

This anxiety will never leave me. I prefer doing and moving than dealing with other people and this one is somehow an obligation that I can't avoid.

Do we really need to suffer all of the consequences of your action while you just seat there like nothing happened? Do we really need to adjust because your jealous ass is burning up?

We all want to explain our side to make you understand but your mind is close with gazillion locks that you throw the key in the open sea. So no need to explain and waste energy for someone who will never dare to listen.

I'm tired with all these drama that we are dealing for the last 5 years or so and even you will apologize for the nth time, no one will ever believe. You almost got me the last time but, no thanks.

I wonder when this will end. You have no idea and neither do I on how I was able to hold up and function for the said years. Takes a lot of courage, to be honest.

Day time nightmare is still real.

I am exhausted.

This anxiety will kill me.

The trauma is another story.

And still some people will never learn.