On Repeat . Last Hope

Last Hope by Paramore 

There are many post for the past two years that was inspired by this song and this will be the first time that I will put this song on "On Repeat" post with so many reasons why. First, I've been thinking to get a tattoo representing this song; Second, it helped me to go on with life even there are so many fucked up moments around; Third, it was so good on their live shows and hopefully, one day when Paramore comes back here or if I chase them somewhere else I can hear this live for myself because why not! Fourth, and so on and on. So many reasons. 

I put it under On Repeat but basically this is another tattoo post. 

Sara's tattoo

I've been planning to get a tattoo about this song and I was debating with myself if I want "Its just a spark but its enough to keep me going" then Sara Scoggins (who wrote this) got "its just a spark" while some got the title itself. Writing the Future tour was announced and when they said that this will be the end of the Self-Titled era, I knew that I need to decide. Took me months to think on what part of the song and where to put it. I searched for some people who got a Last Hope related tattoo for inspiration then my choices got an additional. I was choosing between "its just a spark", "its just a spark but its enough to keep me going" and the title of the song "Last Hope" and even the band name. I don't want to get a band name because I think its unfair to all of the bands that I listened to so I skipped the Paramore idea. 

I asked for a scheduled day from my tattoo artist a week before because I really want to get the tattoo before May 25th (US) because it will be the last date on tour and I want to get it before closing the Self-Titled era. 

Two/three weeks before I already have a final decision and I know that I'll get "Last Hope" but I need an icon or a thing that represent the "spark". I searched for a light bulb, a firework tattoo, drips, abstract paint that's so near with yellow and orange color and the last thing was and always be a star. Then I saw the perfect star. 

the drips means that sometimes we were almost at the edge to lose hope and I wanted a yellow star to represent the spark that keep us to go on with life. 

Where to put it? The last two tattoos that I got was on my back side and I think I need something that I will be seeing this time and its been a while since I'm begging for a new reminder tattoo and since its Last Hope I know that I need to put it on my wrist because its easy to cut but with this reminder it will be prevented. I'm not suicidal but there are tendencies that's just sleeping inside all of us.
 You can never tell.

May 21, 2015

Yep. I also want the font from the album though it was not the same but close enough. 

I'm so happy and so in love with it. 

Thank you Igin and Pao. :) 

When we listen to a song, it can be the same for us or not but if you have time just listen to any version that I will be posting below but its better if you listen to all of it. 

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive

Alive

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh

Ohhh
Ohhh

Part of Something

I was super close on writing about depression and suicide but I really can't find the right words and at some point I do talk about it once in a while just like my previous post "Collide". At the end its just makes me so sad that even the people we all look up to are having depression. I also want for other people to realize that its not temporary but as I said before, some people can't really handle the reality shit.

Maybe its also a reminder for us that depression is real and it happens to a lot of people. Please let your family and friends know that there is someone like you that they can talk to or seek for a professional help.

I read on twitter that Hayley dedicated "Last Hope" to Robin Williams at their show in Denver. Please take time to listen because its also what I wanted to say and at least it came from another person not just from my own again. 

photos are from google 

Last Hope

Sort of stuff are running on my mind lately. Sometimes its about loosing the self-esteem that I built for years in just a snap. People will compare anything to everything whenever they want and it does include you to other people. Its hard to convince myself that I should be proud of whatever I have right now or whatever my position in this earth, I do cry a little but then I think of situation that can make me feel good including reading my little reminder on my arm and reciting my favorite quotes from series, book or a lyrics from a song, it really helps me.  

Its a little hard to hide sometimes when what you really wanted is to escape.

I'm f*cking tired sometimes on reminding myself these things because when people compare you to others, you also can't help it to compare yourself to those people. "Don't compare" is actually one rule in my life that is very important because I don't want to be compared to other people because I know my own capacity in life and other people will never tell you that. Even they are family or friends to you sometimes their expectation or trust is too much to handle and since they are expecting more, you will try your very best for you not to fail and when you're trying to be "perfect" along the way there will be this one day that you will eventually break into pieces. And that, is the situation that I don't want to happen to me, to be broken physically and emotionally.

That's why I do what I want in life and I'm happy that I can do this and people around may accept me or not while I'm experimenting on myself but who cares, I still think of pros and cons most of the time and believe me when I say I do think best or worst case scenario ever before doing a major change.

Being controlled or not having the freedom you needed / wanted is exhausting. Parents can control us but they should also know our own opinion about things if we really want what they wanted you to be or not. Guidance is the right term because "being controlled" is way too different from it. 

I have my own reasons why I did the things that I did before or why I made those decisions but now, I don't regret it. I'm living with it.

I don't know what do you think while reading this. Clearly, I don't have a crystal clear direction about this post but this is one therapy that I have in life, blog it or write it whatever it is on my head or when something is bugging me so at some point I'll be okay and I'll move on, because not everyone will be so willing to hear this and its your choice if you'll read this. (well, thank you if you are)

Sometimes reading some "rant" post that I have in the past, makes me smile and  I even laugh about it because I can't believe I typed those things but I also learned from it and looking back makes you realized that you passed those situation and that you can be a stronger person than who was you that moment when you posted that specific "rant post".

Yeah, sometimes I'm so fucking tired of reminding myself good stuff but I'll never be tired of believing on myself.

And times like this. I'm so happy that Paramore made a song so perfect for this kind of situation. I want to share to you one of my favorite and one of my life saver song

Last Hope by Paramore

Its just a spark but its enough to keep me going. (I really wanted this sentence on my skin)

"No sense in hiding when all you're running from is the truth" - Mike Franks | NCIS S10E24