Not Me.

I just disregard and let each week passed for the past few months but one day it hit me that I was not myself anymore, maybe I'm lost.

If you ask me all I can say is that I'm okay just too busy, in reality I'm not. Mentally draining most days followed by being physically drained too. The routine I've been doing for the last few months is exhausting now all I thought I do give myself some days off but clearly, at the end of the day I got to do what I can because tomorrow is another day. Technically, no free days just few free hours.

I was staring at my very cluttered room and that's when I realized that something is not good. I haven't work out for the last few months and right now even I have time I think I rather just relax my brain and save the energy for the things that I need to do. I haven't cleaned my room (eww. I know) but still I rather save energy for the few hours I got than move my ass and do the cleaning shit. I rather maximize my sleeping hours than wasting my energy from some things that aren't on the things that I need to do. To cut it short, I rather save energy than doing my usual extra-curricular stuff because with all the things under my wing right now it's mentally and physically draining. Not to mention my daytime nightmare.

I appreciate some of the things I don't give attention before but too much is bad too. I learned a lot on this process but seriously I think it's too much as of typing this, too much for me to handle it all by myself. Appreciating it more makes me realize to help more but me doing it all alone, I'll break soon. I'm not complaining at all I just need some help. I need everything to somehow go back to normal.

I want to see myself genuinely happy again, I want to have free days again. Last month I was already asking myself if I will break soon and I'm glad I survived that month but right now, I'm not sure. Maybe I'll spend few hours crying then back to the routine. I got no other choice.

I can call every shots but fuck at the end they will question such decision, they will rant. Yeah, I still don't know bunch of things but what are you doing?

I'm hating all the idea of it.

I'm not the same person who wrote everything last December. I've totally changed.

People who gave trust before may be doubting right now but what should I do?

I already saw myself lost in line for some days but for having no choice, I still find myself doing the things I have to do since no one will catch it.

You will not see me complaining but I don't want to lose myself, I don't want to be eaten by some system where there's too much pressure where some people thinks you can do everything all at once including the stuff that they want to happen.

Maybe I'm being taken for granted and I hate how it can start me questioning myself with everything. I start to doubt myself too.

The rebelious kid in me might wake up soon and I don't want to hate the world again just to get some more attention. I'm scared of what the things I can do. My alter ego is something.

I just keep on believing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.